Author: Moby

Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.

This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.

While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.

2.15.97 Continue reading Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ignorant or Stupid

My dander is up today. Stupid people really work my last gay nerve.

Before I start let me explain something. There is a clear difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge. Stupidity, on the other hand, is the refusal or inability to process knowledge. In most respects they are a before and after state of being.

Ok, so my first bitch, I’m scrolling thru tribe today and I happen upon a thread about steroids. A HIV postive guy left a note saying he was interested in finding steroids to bulk up. He only mentions his HIV status in passing with his physical stats. While there were only a few comments, several were mean and one was just plain nasty. Oh but here’s the pisser! The comments were clearly based on negative ignorant perceptions. One guy assumed because the poster mentioned he was positive, he was using his status as an excuse. Even if he was, piss off! The poor man is dealing w/a terminal illness cut him some slack.

Knowing it wouldn’t do any good, I made an effort to correct said ignorance, not once but twice. I’m not for or against steroids. It’s a personal choice. And, I’ll be the first to admit I know poz guys who use their status as an excuse to bulk up legally. So what, if you fortunate enough to be healthy, count your blessings and move on. Until we have equal rights under the law in this country, I think we have bigger issues as gay men to be fighting over.

‘nuf said!

Then I’m reading bent collective’s rants about treating HIV patients in a third world country. Here we have a man who is giving up 6 months of his life to work in a true 3rd world country that doesn’t even like us. Apparently, a bitch fight breaks out over whether we should be tending to our own at home before offering his support overseas. One such person even goes so far to suggest the US is one step away from being a 3rd world country. Yes, news fans, read it again. One step away from being a 3rd world country. . . wait! what’s that noise…

*ring ring ring*

Why, it’s the clue phone! Hello! We are nowhere near close to being a 3rd world country! Making such statements takes you clearly out of the realm of ignorance and plants you firmly on the solid ground of stupidity. (note, I stopped here so I could edit out my several lines of curse words.) We have problems in this country. Yes, we do. But, our problems pale in comparison to the crisis that people face on a daily basis living in a 3rd world country. Anyone who is willing to give of themselves to help said people deserves our respect. Or at the very least, shut your pie hole and be grateful you live in a country where we have the luxury of such decisions.

I used to think I was very tolerant person. However, I’m guess I’m not. You know why? Because I have no use for stupid people anymore.

Who da?

So in completely random news, I’m liking the new phone. The sd drive is screwy so Tmobile is sending me a new one. In the mean time, I’m liking it.

Here’s a snapshot from the new camera.
Crazy Fag

Not up to par with my digital one but not bad for a phone cam. It’s 1.3 megapixels. I never used the camera on the old one, it was horrible. This one will be ok I guess.

Know Thyself

I often talk about the goals and ideals that have become important to me. My “moby-ism” today is one that I work on often. Most folks who know me would say I come across pretty confident. And in many ways I am. I’m very confident in my abilities and skills. I’m a quick study and excel at most things I take an interest in. However, it is my inner confidence that is lacking at times. I’ll skip all the yada yada about my childhood. We’ve all been there done that right?

I often battle w/a lack of confidence in myself. Thanks in part to a certain blogger, I’m discovering it’s not so much my lack of confidence but how I value myself that needs adjustment. I frequently see qualities in others that I admire and value greatly. Qualities I myself possess. Maybe not as refined at times but still there. I’m a little bit shocked it’s taken me this long to see the distinction.

Realization is not enough obviously. However, I see it as a milestone in my attempts to overcome my shortcomings.

Thunderstorms

thunderstorm anyone?

Tomorrow the city will be all abuzz w/the tale of the big thunderstorm we are having tonight. It’s a doozy too. I just saw my first flash of lightning. I got up and opened the blinds in my bedroom.

People often look it me funny when I tell’em I love thunderstorms. And I do. It’s one of the few things about Texas I miss. The only type of rain you get in Texas is usually courtesy of a nice fat thunderhead. It sorta just boils across the sky like an angry mass of mindless energy. (And if you think about it, that’s kinda what it is.)

Thunderstorms bring back memories of my early childhood before my foster mom got sick. Before I had to watch her waste away for 2 years battling lung cancer. Before life got ugly. You couldn’t keep me out of the rain. I lost count of the the number of ‘whoopin’s’ I used to get. My mom finally gave up. And I was never once afraid of getting struck by lightning. I’d watch those great bolts flash down across the sky and stare up in amazed wonder. Even not knowing what lightning was, I was just amazed by the sheer power of it. The flash, the smell of ozone, the loud crash, and the soft, wet ever refreshing rain. Afterwards, everything felt so clean. The air was free of pollens and dust. (In Texas, everything is dusty!) It was like someone hung a big sign out saying “wash me” and god finally obliged.

I didn’t realize how much I missed thunderstorms until tonight. SF rarely gets rain in thunderstorms. Usually, our moisture comes from fog, drizzle, and the occasional light rain. I’m amazed at what they consider “coming down hard” here. To me, it’s a sprinkle.

So here I sit in my boxers, with the blinds up, a glass of red wine, and rain pouring down my windows. I can’t wait till tomorrow when everything has that “new planet smell”.

Ni’night!

Contented Bliss

Somedays are just too nice to complain. I got a great sleep on the new mattress. (Lindsey Wagner was right! You really do get a more “restful” sleep on a good mattress. *giggle*)

The stomach is almost 100% again. I was still a tiny bit quesy yesterday. My energy wasn’t on par w/normal either. Today, I’m feeling like my old self again. Course, no rest for the wicked. I’m off to work early as I’m due to instruct a class.

About the old journal post, I got a lot of questions why I thought moving back to TX was a good idea. Well, mainly because I didn’t know many people in Boulder/Denver. I felt isolated. This only added to my loneliness at the time. I don’t think I was capable of seeing the truth of the situation consciously. However, my subconscious mind it seemed was working overtime to protect me. The next old journal entry will be a hard one to post. It’s a bit raw. I was beginning to feel desperate. I promised to post “as-is” w/o any tinkering and I will. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Even today, I’m almost always moved to tears reading it.

Ok, duty calls…the madness continues.

Old Journals – 1.16.97

As promised, here is another journal from way back when. Not much had changed since the first except the desire to move home had intensified. It was obvious I felt alone. I felt trapped by my life and helpless at times to change it. I’d focused my energies on getting back to Texas. I just knew if I could get home everything would be all right again. (Not really the case but perception is 9/10 of reality they say.) The poem references a new friend I’d made. His name was Aubry. We lost touch a couple of years after I moved away but I still miss him in my life. He was the one thing that kept me sane thru my despair.

1.16.97
It’s been 15 days since I last wrote here. Not a whole lot new to tell. I am working out again. I haven’t done much metaphysical work lately. I guess my exercise is work enough. At least I’m doing something. I have been really really busy. I’ve come to realize I want to move back home. I miss everything! I talked to Steve today. NHP doesn’t have any positions right now. He is going to send me a paper on Sunday so I can look around with other companies. I came across a poem today that I kinda like. Here goes…
Continue reading Old Journals – 1.16.97

Hallelujah!

“This house is clean!” Ok the house isn’t but I’m feeling much better. As expected, after my bout w/Satan and my quick choice to exercise him, I’m back on the mend. Still a little quesy but oh so much better overall. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes.

I did get a new mattress yesterday. I wanted a Spring Air but they are so damn pricey I couldn’t afford it. Instead I opted for a Simmons Beauty Rest. The firm version w/a plush top. It is truly amazing what a good mattress can do for your sleep. I slept thru the whole night w/o waking up tossing/turning once. I woke up feeling very refreshed and w/o the usual stiffness. My debt had to take a hit but that’s ok. I knew it was coming, I’d just been putting it off. I went thru Sleeptrain here in SF. I think they are a chain. When I called, the guy was way more friendly than some of the other vendors I’d already spoken with. He went overboard making sure I understood the difference between types and brands. And they delivered free of charge the same day! You can’t beat that w/a stick!

Oh! My phone came yesterday too. After Kenucky Tim came over and brought me some soup, I felt good enough to trek off to get some errands done. (The domestic chores are still waiting for me. Ugh!) It put me in a good mood though. I came home and started tinkering w/it of course. Tim was like “ok, I can see I’m not wanted anymore” and split. Bless his heart, he was such a saint for bringing me food. He walked 10 blocks to do it too. He also cleaned up my apt a bit. (Besides being a big baby, I’m hella messy when I get sick. Dishes, clothes everywhere!)

Today, I’m taking it easy. I’m going to the gym but taking it easy. I think I’ll just do some light cardio. Don’t wanna over do it. Sadly, I still have chores to do. (No, I’m not procrastinating, why do you say that? :P) I have another busy week coming up so can’t afford not to put’em off. *sigh*