Author: Moby

Back, Back, and Back

Returning to more mundane posts, here is a selfie. I’m back at the gym at least on a somewhat consistent schedule. Not as often as I’d like, but still.

Back selfie

My back is looking better even if I’m still struggling daily with discomfort and managing it. It’s not like before where I’m one step away from a muscle spasm. There is joy in that; however, it’s still disruptive, some days more than others. It’s hell getting old. 😂

If you’ve forgotten, I have cartilage deterioration on two of my lower back vertebrae, this causes compression and grinding when I move. Ironically, I seem to struggle now more at night when I sleep. Before the last procedure, it was always movement that seemed to activate my pain. I’m a side sleeper and almost any position on my side finds me waking up very sore. [1]I already sleep with a pillow between my legs  I’m getting the sense it has more to do with compression vs muscle irritation though. Most days I find if I lay flat on my back or flat with my head elevated for about 30 to 60 minutes I return to a functional level of normalcy. I could never do that before the procedure. Sometimes, I get lucky enough afterwards to feel no real discomfort…. sometimes.

I do physical therapy stretches and exercises often and I’ve incorporated stretches specifically meant to offset spinal compression. They do work. Or at least until I go to sleep again . Then I start all over the next day. Some nights are better than others but I never seem to know what will set it off.

Needless to say, it makes for a difficult schedule to work out the muscles to support the back. This pic was a good day.

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↑1 I already sleep with a pillow between my legs

Bitch

My Daisy has become a little territorial and a bit of a bitch towards other dogs. We had an encounter in the building hallway the other day and I’m sad to say my dog was the “bad guy.” Nothing bad happened thankfully, but Missy was totally a bitch trying to “run off” the other dog.

When we first rescued her she had Toby, my then roommate’s Frenchie, as a companion. In that scenario, she was “invading” his space though. Little Toby never met a dog he didn’t like so of course they got along famously. Now that she is an only child, it’s obvious she’s become territorial.

Luckily it seems isolated to just inside our building. When we are out walking with her she behaves with minimal fuss around other dogs. Often she will ignore the other dog entirely in favor of the dog’s owner hopefully giving her attention. She also behaves fine at the dog spa. They constantly rave about her.

For now, we’ll just be mindful of when we leave the apt with her. [1]aka me. Shawn always leashes her before he even opens the door. I’m the one that tends to let her roam until we get to the main building door I certainly don’t want to be “that guy” or to have Miss Daisy getting into trouble. We live in a small building and this encounter involved a dog my neighbor was babysitting.

Daisy is my first Bully to ever be this way, but at the end of the day the buck stops with me. And we ain’t about having drama at home. 👍

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↑1 aka me. Shawn always leashes her before he even opens the door. I’m the one that tends to let her roam until we get to the main building door

Grief

I’m still processing my grief from the election. I’m not gonna lie, I’m gobsmacked he won. What hurts the most is the majority voted for him knowing exactly who he was.

While I’m still trying to come to terms with my profound sadness, I do have a few thoughts:

  • I’m grateful to be in SF and a state that will fight for my rights instead of throwing me under the bus.
  • My faith in humanity has been shaken and I don’t know if I will ever recover it.
  • I’m a kind person but some will soon discover how truly cruel I can be.

A part of me I thought dead is waking up. It scares me, but I’m past caring now. It speaks to me in my dreams but I remember in the waking world.

Take precautions to protect yourself and those you love. Logic is broken and the mob rules now.

Follow Up

It’s been a minute since I’ve been here. I thought I’d follow up. 

I got more than a few emails about my last political post. Ya’ll could have made those as comments btw. Some agreed with me, some were a bit indifferent, some completely disagreed, and some missed the point completely. Ironically, more than 1 email started out, ‘don’t be mad at me‘, which I’ll come back to in a minute. 

First, I’m happy to end up being (partly) wrong about my feelings on Ms. Harris as the new nominee. And for clarity, I wasn’t against her. I was and am frustrated that we needed her to replace Biden for people to suddenly feel like we had a chance at winning. The latter is still very upsetting.  

I had my misgivings on whether Ms. Harris would be a better pick and am happy to be wrong in that regard. I was pleasantly surprised by the immediate outpouring of support for her and the overall shift in the Dems. Part of me was equally sad that we’ve fallen so far that even our politics has to be exciting now for us to care as a whole. Ms. Harris is tearing up the airwaves and raking in the dough. I’m very pleased to see and hear all of that. And her VIP pick was stellar! While I am continuously amazed by Pete Buttigieg and would have loved him as a VP, I doubted she would pick him for obvious reasons. [1]If you haven’t seen him speak, you should google his Fox News clips. He eats their lunch and serves their ignorance back to them. Meanwhile, Mr. Walz is adding a level of fire that is a joy to behold. If Pres Biden had his speaking talent, we definitely would not be having this conversation.   

I still strongly stand by my comment Pres Biden should not have had to step down. Period, full stop. I respect him even more now though. To willingly step aside for party and country is a level of character not seen in a very long time. Meanwhile, you have the other guy trying to get back in power to become a dictator (and stay out of prison). Pres Biden’s 2nd term should have been an easy win. You cannot deny the work he and his team has put in to help us all. My original point stands, but kudos to you Pres Biden. You serve your country well.

Second, I guess maybe I’m too aggressive at encouraging folks to be civil here. lol I’ve always cared more about civility than fame, but I’m wondering if maybe I’ve overdone it. Lol  More than half the emails i got started out w/some sort of disclaimer to not be mad. For the record, you can comment here even if we disagree. You can comment even if we disagree vehemently. What is not allowed is trolling, personal attacks, name calling, belittling others, etc. Beyond that comment away, when you feel motivated. 

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↑1 If you haven’t seen him speak, you should google his Fox News clips. He eats their lunch and serves their ignorance back to them.

Holding

I like to think I’m holding up well for my age. I still care enough to make an effort at staying in shape. Age comes to us all, after all. I’m trying to maintain a level of health without going bonkers trying to remain young. [1]Don’t even get me started on some of the things gay men go thru to remain youthful or attractive. I mention it because I still routinely run into guys from back in the day who used to act superior to the rest of us because they had good genetics. Some had looks, some had muscle, some had both, others still had it all. I still see some of them and I can tell you some are definitely not holding up well at all.

Now before you chastise me and say, “I should know better“, let me finish. I’m not trying to gloat. I’m actually trying not to gloat, which is why I’m airing my dirty laundry here. I try not to gloat partly because back in those days, I was a lot more insecure about myself. I could just as easily have been projecting my own issues onto some of them. How would I know? And partly because I don’t really know what their struggle has been or what led them to their current state. Lawd knows I’ve had my share of medical issues these last few years. A lot of factors could have come into play. I won’t lie though, for some that used to be particularly nasty, I do get a tickle. And while they might deserve it if I returned the favor now, my behavior would only reflect poorly on me.

Now in my early 50’s, I’ve kind of maintained myself, if that makes sense. I’m not any more muscular than before. I’m certainly not any more attractive. But I have held my own. I can be proud of that without gloating over others. I certainly know the sting of age in the gay community. And I can only imagine what some of these guys are going thru now that they aren’t center stage anymore. Some do seem to be a bit humbler than before. Others seem to be in denial. And some just seem to have given up all together.

So while I may feel validated on the inside, I have also learned (painfully at times) what othes think of me is really none of my business, good or bad.

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↑1 Don’t even get me started on some of the things gay men go thru to remain youthful or attractive.

Resign

As a preface, I tend to be a pretty optimistic person. However, most days I just weep for the world around us as it is going to shit. I’m fully convinced now we are doomed as a species. We’ve allowed our media to become completely bereft of any sense of integrity. We now live in a world where everyone wants to emulate TMZ. It is an around the clock race to see who can nab the next outrageous story to get people worked up. Facts are often discarded or ignored in favor of sensationalism. And those of us on the left, who claim to be more informed and intelligent, suck it up just like the zealots. 

In our latest round of self-fuckery, enough pressure has been put on our current President he has decided to decline to run for a 2nd term…due to his age and ineptness. Now on its face that might sound like a great story. ‘The old guy gracefully backs out for the younger upstart to make a name and carry on the legacy.’ In reality, it’s a farce and shows how completely deluded we are on the left. It’s been near non-stop stories about President Biden’s health since the debate. (Speaking of, I doubt anyone [1]except maybe Pete Buttigieg could have kept up with that lying sociopath during the debate.) Any singular moment he misspeaks or fumbles, it’s out as a ‘breaking news’. The level of hysterics from the party of smarts these last few days has been an eye-opener for me.

While President Biden does appear to be slowing down, he hasn’t made any real missteps. Mixing up a name or not being a good orator is not reason enough to remove him. This would be his second term. That translates into already having a strong team in place. He has a few cabinet heads and various positions to fill, otherwise he is just carrying the ball forward. He and his team in place are doing good things. Our way of life is collectively better because of his Presidency. If he were truly failing in his decisions or day to day actions then we should be all over it, but that isn’t what happened. 

The left has succumbed the mob mentality and seems to care about only chasing down bad news. Instead of rallying around him, they quickly saw an opportunity to potentially make the news and/or gain some points for “being the one to say it.” No real evidence has been presented to show President Biden is making bad decisions or so confused he can’t do his job. None. Being old isn’t a reason to replace him. 

On the other hand, getting past the mountain of shit Trump is guilty of, the media has barely mentioned his health, except around the ‘shooting’. No mention of his daily misstatements or slip ups. No mention of his routinely confusing Kamala and Hilary or Obama and Biden. He cannot go a single day w/o misspeaking and nothing from the media at large. Not a f**king thing! The media knows no one cares about that because its old news now. And the left fell for it hook, line, and sinker. 

*

Now, do I think VP Harris is a bad choice? No. I personally think she was a terrible DA here in SF, but she was an excellent State Attorney General. She’s mostly been absent as a VP, beyond a few talking points and road tours. But no news is still good news. She is also in an excellent position to pick up the ball and keep it rolling. Do I think she will win? Well that I just don’t know and that scares me most of all. But hey, I was ok with President Biden going for a 2nd term, so what the hell do I know? I mean the support for VP Harris is rolling in, but that is to be expected. 

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↑1 except maybe Pete Buttigieg

Application?

I mentioned a few months back that I was applying for other city jobs. Someone reached out to me for a follow up and I realized I never posted an update. I did not get the job(s). I’ve actually applied for three. Two were internal and it is clear to me my years of working within the Union has made it difficult for me to progress internally for any position that doesn’t involve the normal civil service process. Most of the positions I want or would consider fall outside that scope.

The 3rd position was an appointed position. Many of these types of positions are setup to bypass the normal civil service rule process by design. Many times a director or manager already has a candidate they want but they still have to post it and allow anyone who feels qualified to submit an application. I knew that going into it so while disappointing, it is not unexpected at all.

Unfortunately, because of my salary requirements many of the jobs I want fall into “appointed positions”. The others often require 4-6 year degrees. And while I have a wealth of experience, it isn’t like corporate America where a hiring manager can look at your application and really grasp your ability to do a job based on skills. Civil service is very regimented and if you don’t click a certain box, you can be overlooked or even ruled as ineligible.

I still have a job so I have the luxury of trying until I find a replacement. And if I don’t, well I’m still employed. lol A bitch gotta eat and the only way I’d leave is for greener pastures. There are some developments on the horizon that might give me some more immediate release but not worth bringing up until it happens.

Current Events

I often get questions about current political events. I might engage offline but I try not to talk about politics here too much. It’s divisive, routinely toxic, and neither side is really listening. I usually prefer to talk about related events and overlapping issues to teach or inform vs swaying anyone to “my side.” In light of recent events, I may rethink that rule. I don’t want this space to turn into a political forum, but some topics just need to be addressed.

It shouldn’t surprise you as a gay man living in SF I tend to be more progressive. Having grown up in South Texas, I like to think having been exposed to both sides of the spectrum, I can be more objective. However, my objectiveness and avoidance of political topics does not include anything challenging my right to exist unmolested.

You are entitled to your beliefs up until you decide to weaponize them against my existence. Anything in that category we cannot “agree to disagree” on. And why is it the loudest voices are often the least informed? Frankly, I’ve learned to not waste my time on people who are willfully ignorant.

Sadly, identity politics seems to be going mainstream. It’s disturbing how this ideology has really taken hold in our society. I am passionate about my beliefs, but also willing to look past bias if I am presented with truth or facts to dispute it.

I don’t know where we’re headed but I have hope that the Orange Turd will not get reelected. He had plausible belief on his side the first time. This time many of those folks see him for what he really is.

Cringey

If you use any social media these days, I’m sure you’ve seen the cringe content. [1]Content that is blatantly made to show off a person’s anatomy, usually to advertise their fans or similar accounts  Or maybe I’m just a whore and the one seeing it a lot. hehehe Continuing on the vein that me being a whore is not the problem, it has really picked up a lot lately. Don’t even get me started on the “influencers.”

Most days, I just block the worst ones and keep going. On one hand, I feel like it’s just one more step in the demoralization of society thru social media and the “me” mentality. On the other hand, I’m glad to see more people are less judgmental about sex work. I see zero problems with a person using what they got to make a living. You use your mind to get jobs, why is using your body any different? As long as you are a consenting adult not being coerced, go for it.

That said, that’s not my purpose for being on social media. I’m always saddened when an account I already follow starts their own fan site. Inevitably, their social accounts all turn into ad-engines for their “content”. It’s usually an unfollow from me. I might be shallow, but I need something other than a boner to keep me following someone.  (Don’t say it, Steve.)

The hubby will just roll his eyes sometimes when I’m scrolling thru YouTube shorts on the TV. It’s 50% weird/funny and 50% hot guys. Some of the content is a little cringy and some of it is just awful. lolol  Luckily, I don’t get my self-esteem thru comparing myself to these guys so it’s not a negative…for me. I can understand for some it could end up being harmful. That is definitely a nut we can crack another day. I’m ranting about my shallowness right now after all. And in that vein of thought, [2]see what I did there? Lol  some of the more aggressive advertisements have taken to using toys to show off what they “have”, so to speak. I’m like, do you think we can’t tell? Or do people just not care? Do people pay for hot guys waving around a fake appendage as if it’s real? Inquiring minds need to know! A quick Google search shows many of them turn out to have the goods (allegedly ), but I guess they need it to appear more visible than it otherwise would without full exposure.

And knowing what some of them make, I wonder if I chose the wrong career path sometimes. I’m too old for that life but it’s a shame it took so long for “fan” sites to not only be accepted but popular. I could have made a bank. 😜 And none of that coy teasing nonsense either.

I wish you could see me laughing as I type this stuff. The blog was always focused on my self-discovery and growth for so many years, I don’t think my silly side came across as part of my personality often enough.

Now you know. 🙂

 

 

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↑1 Content that is blatantly made to show off a person’s anatomy, usually to advertise their fans or similar accounts
↑2 see what I did there? Lol

GHHD #1 2024

Well, it’s almost Gay High Holy Day #1 (Pride weekend). While I’ve often admitted to feeling disconnected from Pride celebrations these days, I think more than ever we need visibility. We need to show we are not going away. Trying to legislate us out of existence is never going to work. The alphabet mafia, in all its splendor, is here to stay.

I encourage you to celebrate Pride in whatever manner you feel benefits your life. There isn’t a wrong or right way. You don’t need to feel part of the scene [1]ugh, don’t even get me started on the thousands of definitions associated with “the scene” to celebrate. You can do it with family, friends, even hookups, etc. Or don’t, it really is up to you.

Just take a moment to be grateful for those that paved the way. Call it a blessing, a remembrance, a prayer; just try to understand it hasn’t been an easy fight and many of our brothers and sisters died in our fight for equality. Regardless of your beliefs, that deserves respect.

For myself, I volunteered at a work booth this year. I’ll be doing outreach and recruiting to get more of us into my field of work. If you’re a local and plan to be out and about, stop by the SFFD (Fire) booth and say hi on Sunday. My dept has never had its own booth and luckily we were invited to join this year, so it will be a first for me!

 

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↑1 ugh, don’t even get me started on the thousands of definitions associated with “the scene”