My last post yesterday brought up a lot of painful memories. It’s no wonder I’m feeling more than a little lonely today. Yeah, I still yearn for a partner in life. Yeah, I’d love to find a love as strong as the first one. The cluster fuck w/Bent Collective shows I’m still willing. But should I sacrifice myself in the process? Should I conform and be a ‘good little faggot’ to save face within our community? Should I change who I am and pretend it’s all “ok”? Or, should I jump from one failed relationship to the next in the vain hope of finding some attention? (Say it w/me kiddies . . . C-O – d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e!) Been there, done that, still have the t-shirt. I’ve done that most of my adult life and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of settling for second best. (And I think I’ve probably blathered on about this before but sometimes a horse needs a good beating.)
No, what this trip brought home to me is that I am unwilling to succomb to such an ugly emotion. I’ve seen firsthand what loneliness does to a person when left to fester in your soul. No, I will not conform. No, I will not change who I am just to be accepted. No, I will not look in every failed relationship for validation. Yes, I must face the possiblity that I may always be alone. But in the end, I’ll be able to say I found some self-respect. Something I’ve been lacking my whole life.
Hey Moby… I read the prior post to this one. What can I say? There is an element of clarity behind Moby now.
You know the element of loneliness can be overwhelming at time but if you have purpose in life it diminishes. Being single is not all that bad. I have 10 more years of it than you and I’ve managed (though admittedly painful at times). Hang in there! You’re moving ahead now with purpose~ a career path, community involvement,etc. Hugs!
“But should I sacrifice myself in the process?”
No, but you could sacrifice Bent Collective on a granite slab using a sharp obsidian knife under the full moon. Make sure you clean up the mess when you’re done.
Be single, enjoy it. Try to think of something you used to enjoy doing before ‘becoming gay’. See if you still like doing it, then do it some more. Masturbation doesn’t count – I was thinking fishing, birdwatching, models, etc.
See previous post.