Deja Vu

Tonight I found myself sitting in the exact same spot where, 16 years ago, I almost took my life. I know you’re probably asking yourself, “WTF is he talking about?”. Well, I’m getting to it. And while it is a bit heavy, it’s on a good bent.

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To start, let me back up a bit. I detoured thru Galveston today to pick up a friend who wanted to tag along w/me to see the clan. I’ve known Curtis going on 14 years now. I don’t often get to see him while I’m here so I figured I could kill two birds w/one stone. The bad news is he could only get one day off from work so I had to bring him back to Galveston. I originally planned to drive back into Houston and crash w/Trev however, the idea struck me to just get a cheapy hotel room and stay here. Galveston is actually 45 minutes closer to our place in the sticks. And yeah, I could have stayed w/Curtis but I was in a weird mood to be alone. Now I know why.

Isn’t it funny sometimes how life sorta plops you down somewhere w/o rhyme or reason. You are just toodling along and BAM! It hits you. It happened like that for me tonight. I didn’t spend much effort looking for a hotel. I grabbed the first one that looked good and showed “free wifi” on the marquee. As luck would have it, The Commoder Hotel fit the bill nicely. I park, drop the gear off, and then hit the beach. I’m walking out onto the dike to get a good blast of the water and salt air. At this point, I wasn’t really sure why my mood had turned so somber. I had a good day hanging out w/Curtis and the brother. Yet, I felt oddly familiar emotions boiling just beneath the surface of my id. I eventually chalked it up to old memories and kept walking. It wasn’t until I reached the end of the dike that it hit me.

This was the dike. The dike where 16 years ago I found myself seriously contemplating walking out into the ocean and just letting go of all the pain. I couldn’t believe it. How could I have forgotten? Better yet, what guided me to this very spot tonight? I stood there in complete disbelief at first. So many emotions fighting for dominance. I’m not really sure how long I stood there. After the shock wore off, I realized not only was I soaking wet (I’d been standing at the very end and the waves were splashing all over me), I was also crying. And as I stood there licking the salt water from my face, I realized I was crying not from sadness but happiness. Happy for so many reasons but the most obvious was that I had survived. Happy that I kept on going and made something of myself. Maybe not something great but something nonetheless. I sat down (after backing up a bit) and just let all the emotions wash over me. Towards the end, I began to feel a bit empty. I reached for my little piece of joy and there it was. Tucked away but still there as always just waiting for me to need it.

Ya know folks, I really have led a blessed life. Oh! And I think I realize now why I’m so drawn to the beach. It’s not just the waves and sun. It’s the connection that it reminds me of. The point in my life when I first found myself. How could I have missed that all these years.

No matter what happens tomorrow, this has been the best vacation I’ve ever taken.