This is probably the most significant post I’ll every write here. If you’ve ever wanted a first-hand view of my self-image, now’s your chance. Instead of making this a private post, I’ve decided to share it in an attempt to demonstrate what it is I struggle with. *I warn you, this is going to be a bit long winded so you might wanna grab some coffee.*
Before I start, let me just say thank you to my few faithful readers. Many of you go out of your way on a regular basis to boost my ego. For that, I am eternally grateful. I get many comments, often in private, asking why I am so hard or down on myself all the time. I’ve never really given it much thought until recently. With my growing feelings for someone, I find myself taking a much harder look at myself. Said person inspires me in ways I’ve never felt before. While he may not have my heart yet, he definitely has my admiration, respect, and attention. (And lets face it, keeping my attention is the hard part)
Ok, ok, I’m stalling. Cut me some slack here, I’m nervous. This is not the easiest post to write. The truth is, I’m hard on myself because I feel I have to be. I often see a clear confliction in how I value other’s kindness toward me and mine towards them. I think I understand why now. You see, being the person I am is still a choice for me. I didn’t grew up w/any sort of moral guidance. Kids are supposed to be given some sort of behavioral guideline to follow throughout life. It becomes ingrained as you grow older and eventually becomes the backbone of your convictions. Whether it be based on religious beliefs or accepted societal norms doesn’t matter. In my case, I just don’t feel that happened. I’ve always felt like an empty slate. I learned my perception of right and wrong from distant family, teachers, coaches, etc. Oddly enough, I got a huge chunk of my ideals from TV. I know what a shocker huh?! But, it’s true. I would often find myself emulating good TV stars. Never the bad ones, always the good ones. And I don’t mind telling you trying to ingrain these traits into my id as an adult has not been an easy task.
Among other things, my parents were selfish, petty, shallow, and even dishonest when it suited them. I was often told to do one thing while they did just the opposite. If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know I was NOT fond of my stepmother. In fact, she is the only person I’ve every truly hated. I blame her for a lot of my woes. And it’s not the physical abuse I remember. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. I remember the broken nose, the fists to the head, and the incident causing my deviated septum but the monotony of the daily beatings has faded away.) What I do remember most is living in a state of constant fear. Fear of never knowing what to do right. At best, my days were a confliction of events that left me paralyzed to rationalize my actions. Until finally one day the fear went away. In it’s place was left a cold dark emptiness. A place cold enough to allow me to almost kill my stepmother when I was only 12 years old. (She was a pill addict and I had a brilliant plan to dissolve a whole bottle of vicodin in one of her pepsi bottles. She was also addicted to soda.) I would have gotten away with it too. My father, siblings, relatives, all knew she was an addict. No one would have ever suspected me. I am deeply ashamed of that. I am grateful I never went thru with it. Instead, I continued on in misery.
Even though I couldn’t go through with it, the cold stayed w/me. I was a different person after that. And it scares me to this day. It gave me no qualms over lying, stealing, cheating, or anything else it took to survive. And yes, I have done things I am ashamed of. I can say I’ve never done anything I consider evil. I’m not vindictive. And I’ve never done things to hurt intentionally or out of some twisted sense of fun. But my life isn’t just about survival anymore. Yes, I choose not to be that person. Yet, I find myself plagued w/doubts over my progress. I know that cruel cold person is still inside me. I don’t dwell in it but it’s still there. I still have to choose to be a good person. It is not ingrained yet. And therein lies all my doubts. You are now privy to one of my deepest insecurities. I am in tears as I write this and I offer to you that I am ashamed.
*I had to take a break here. I’m back again…*
With all of that in mind, I still feel like my life has been blessed. As a child, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and shoes on my feet. There are those even in this country who can’t claim the same. Beyond that, there have been several sentinel moments where I felt things could have gone horribly unrepairably wrong. A good example would be my brush with god. (You should read it if you haven’t otherewise, you’ll miss perspective here.) It was a defining moment. That spark has stayed w/me ever since. It’s always there to give me that extra humph to better myself.
I know I’m taking a chance posting this but I don’t care. You wanted to know my perspective on things, well now you do. Comment if you like but it’s not required. It’s taken me over two hours to write this and I’m completely exhausted. I’m going to bed now.
Dearest Moby,
Completely baffled you would take such a great stance in your blog. Not very often do you find such truth, such honesty and now, such personal influence in blogs. It is inspiring to read your most recent entry, although sad. I truly feel your experience, I have been there. I know from personal experience the extreme difficulty in opening up to others, so reading your blog motivates me to be a more “open” person. I am so sorry for what challenges have been placed before you but you as an intelligent person know it is those tpe of challenges which make us stronger, bolder and more diverse.
Best hops for your new found attraction. You certainly deserve somebody worthy of your presence and attention.
Hugs and Smooches always!
Kev
WOW! Writing that sure some brass balls. But writing that also shows how far you’ve come.
Good Lord! I just stopped and had to think about adding one more sentence. I guess I don’t have brass balls, but I think I really don’t want to start anything by posting in “public” here. I wonder if any of your other readers are tkhinking what I’ve been thinking for a few weeks now. I’ll think some more and send you a private email.
I’m not sure there is anyone out there that does’nt have to choose to be good. every day bring us at least one new decision. Every one can have a good or a bad choice. Just because you’re having to choose/debate/evaluate between good/bad doesn’t mean you’re a bad person inherently. Just means you’re thinking it through and that’s all anyone should expect.
Thanks for sharing bud!
Just wanted to give you a word of Encourgement.
We only gain things through hard work and discipline, such as working out, dieting, etc, You already know this.
It is the same with our own moral compass, some people choose “religion” so they don’t have to think or exercise their minds. This too, you already know.
So know & accept that you already are a good person, though you have to constantly make choices.
Making choices is what makes us alive, making choices, and sharing our struggles can and does makes other peoples choices easier.
I look for you for inspiration, though I have never told you this before, and other people in turn are inspired by me.
You might wonder, why you inspire me, I don’t know the answer to that, all I know is that you do.
I think the point you are missing Moby is that the harsh reality you dealt with growing up, the abuse and all the scores of negativity I’m sure was there, is usually used as an excuse for bad choices. And many times rightfully so.
But you aren’t doing that.You are questioning your choices since you are still drawn to some you may view as selfish, negative etc. That is a trait specific to all humans. I think generally we do have to choose to engage the right response, as the right response is often one we don’t gain the most from.
The fact that you can do this consistently, without any fabric in your childhood which imparted a sense of “morality”, values, or ethics, whatever term you use, is a credit to your character. You did that on your own, not by being guilted into some church nonsense, or other unrelated motivation.
That’s impressive. Period.
Moby….
I don’t h ave the words now to say what is going through my mind. I know what you have described going through. So much for someone so young then. I think in part what is going through my head right now, you would never understand as I think some of your commentors would not either, though your and their opinions are respected.
I do agree that your biggest growth is coming from constantly assessing your character. I do the same daily and I have 10 years over you. It’s what makes us better people. And I would argue any point made contrary. It’s not necessary always a question of self doubt. Believe in yourself!
I am really looking forward to meeting up with you at Rob’s part this month and having fun with the blogger troop. I can’t believe Brett to the plunge today and bought the ticket. 🙂
And PS…we never get bored of you hinting at possibly falling in love with someone!
I agree with smitty. We all make choices daily on what is best for us, or others. Not always easy choices, but they have to be made. To choose to be a good person is easy for some, and a challenge for others. The bottom line is that your choices make you happy with yourself and who you are, regardless on how much you need to focus on making the decision. You are a very intelligent, insightful man who is making choices to have better than he grew up with, If that takes more work than you thought or think it should, that’s ok. Re-evaluation is always a good thing, and the journey isn’t always easy, but look at where you are, and how far you’ve come. Look at what’s around you, and who is there with you. You’re a blessing to many, including yourself. So, take a break, give yourself a pat on the back, and take it all as it comes. And challenge yourself, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Have a great night. Awesome blog. Paul
Moby…
What can I say as I wipe the tears from my face. I grew up with a life much like your own. I, too, face some of the same fears that you have shared in today’s post on a daily basis. I want you to know that you are not alone, and while we are able to live past the hardships in our lives – and look at the bright side of things – I know that on a daily basis I question things that I should not have to as an adult. I only do because of the things that have occurred in my life.
It is funny that you mention the pepsi thing – my mother’s choice of beverage was tea. At times I thought that the easy way out would be to dissolve pills in her tea and then all of my pain would easily slip away. I, however, chose to to another thing – which was to accept those things that I could not readily change and let my higher power do those things for me. I think that today I am better for it – but there were years of hell that I have had to pay for it.
In regards to yoru feelings for another – let yourself go and let that other person truly care and love you. It has truly changed my life – my partner is the love of my life and has loved me for the past 18 years – regardless of my flaws. If there is anyway that I am able to help you – please let me know. I want you to know that I do care.
Jim
Moby,
I wish I was there to give you hug. I would like to say thank you for sharing something so personal with us. You are human and in no way alone. I too deal with and have dealt some of these exact feelings. Including the step mother thing albeit my situation was different but still abuse on any level will drive one to do things they are not proud of. The thing you should remember is you did not act upon these feelings.
I often read your blog and can relate to what you are going through as I am doing much the same thing. I will tell you I admire you for what you have accomplished in your life given the fact of where you have come from. Sometimes I kick myself and wonder why I can’t be more like you. But I realize we are all on our own path in life and wherever the road takes us that is our journey.
Hopefully one day my road with intersect with yours and I can say hi to your in person but until then I will continue to read and be inspired to keep on trucking. And now I must go and wipe the tears from my eyes. Once again Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I’ve been noodling on thos one for a couple of days, mostly becuase I think it took a lot of guts to open up that for everybody. I’m proud of you for that…and I’m proud of you for growing up into a great guy. I think the fact that you can talk so honestly means that you have a good handle on it all and have a mature perspective on things. I hate to hear that you had to endure some of the things you have, but I’m very happy to know what a survivor you are. Love ya.
Hey my friend,
Everyone else is right… it’s not very often that such honesty is brought out in a blog. If it does, then we usually get in massive amounts of trouble for it. You are truly a courageous individual for what you have done to turn a really bad situation into a good one. And I believe that it has made you into a stronger, more compassionate person today. I don’t know if I could’ve survived what you went through if I were in that situation… and through it all you came out on top a better person. You should take comfort in that my friend. Your past and your decisions have attributed to all of that.. and while you may feel regret for some of your decisions… it does not do good to dwell on it in this case.. xoxoxox
Wow …
I really am speechless, but I had to leave a comment. I haven’t read your blog too often, but whenever I have I’m blown away. This was raw, personal, soul-baring writing (especially after reading the “god” entry) and you have impressed the hell outta me.
I’ve been trying to get back into writing lately and have considered starting a blog, but I’m humbled when I read things like this and think I wouldn’t be able to write anything as powerful as some others write, you included. You’re definitely on my list of daily reads now.
Thanks Moby. Honestly, writing like this is important to read. Peace.
Matt in Seattle