Holding

I like to think I’m holding up well for my age. I still care enough to make an effort at staying in shape. Age comes to us all, after all. I’m trying to maintain a level of health without going bonkers trying to remain young. ^[1]Don’t even get me started on some of the things gay men go thru to remain youthful or attractive. I mention it because I still routinely run into guys from back in the day who used to act superior to the rest of us because they had good genetics. Some had looks, some had muscle, some had both, others still had it all. I still see some of them and I can tell you some are definitely not holding up well at all.

Now before you chastise me and say, “I should know better“, let me finish. I’m not trying to gloat. I’m actually trying not to gloat, which is why I’m airing my dirty laundry here. I try not to gloat partly because back in those days, I was a lot more insecure about myself. I could just as easily have been projecting my own issues onto some of them. How would I know? And partly because I don’t really know what their struggle has been or what led them to their current state. Lawd knows I’ve had my share of medical issues these last few years. A lot of factors could have come into play. I won’t lie though, for some that used to be particularly nasty, I do get a tickle. And while they might deserve it if I returned the favor now, my behavior would only reflect poorly on me.

Now in my early 50’s, I’ve kind of maintained myself, if that makes sense. I’m not any more muscular than before. I’m certainly not any more attractive. But I have held my own. I can be proud of that without gloating over others. I certainly know the sting of age in the gay community. And I can only imagine what some of these guys are going thru now that they aren’t center stage anymore. Some do seem to be a bit humbler than before. Others seem to be in denial. And some just seem to have given up all together.

So while I may feel validated on the inside, I have also learned (painfully at times) what othes think of me is really none of my business, good or bad.