Smitten

It was bound to happen. I’ve become smitten with someone. Naturally, he doesn’t live here. I never seem to find a guy local. Why the hell is that?

Anyway, it is still very new and developing and we both recognize the limitations of our situation. We are enjoying it for what it is and seeing what the future holds. No, I’m not in an LTR or even off the market. No, he isn’t moving here. And no, I am not moving there. Seems futile doesn’t it? Well, I don’t see it that way. There are different types of bonds and I don’t necessarily have to be with him to have a bond. We both recognize that while we have a good set of compatibilities, we don’t yet have enough working knowledge of the other, so to speak. That said, I’m a big believer in not trying to make something fit a label.

It’s been ongoing for a few months and I’ve enjoyed it. I realized over Pride weekend my feelings had taken a stronger turn. If you can believe it, I was jealous. Yeah, you read it right. Me, of all people, was actually jealous. hehehe And to my own credit, it had nothing to do with sex. ^[1]Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!  No, it was intimacy. Ok, that’s not even exactly true. It was my fear of him sharing intimacy with someone else. (The intimacy never happened btw) In the end, I needn’t and shouldn’t have been jealous. But it sure as hell surprised me to discover 1) I was jealous, 2) that I cared enough to be jealous.

I shared it with him after I dealt with it myself. Once I realized what was happening, I stepped back to examine the why. I could never have done that w/o 9 years of blogging btw. I put my emotions in check and moved past the silliness. He and I laughed it off over a good heartfelt and open conversation. The conversation itself actually strengthened how I see him.

So now where does that leave us? My best answer is I don’t know. We are still pursuing the connection.  As to my jealousy, it was odd that I got angry.  I was actually angry and then a little hurt.  Finally, it dawned on my dense ass that I was jealous. This made for an interesting back and forth internal conversation to say the least. lol One side of me was genuinely jealous, another side was chastising me for being jealous, and yet another side was over it all and simply clamped down on it till he and I could talk. ^[2]Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol  In the end, he is not mine and I have no reason to be jealous even if the idea did chap my ass. The fact that nothing happened isn’t really the point at all. What a wasted emotion jealousy is. I’m not overly proud that I’m still capable of it.

In a complete side rant, we’ve given each other nicknames. I’m big on nicknames, always have been. I’ve figured out I get it from my dad. He always gave people that he cared about nicknames. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of until recent years. It’s also probably why I’ve never encouraged people to call my by my real name. It’s rather formal from my perspective. Anyway, I’ve started calling him my pup. Don’t go getting mental over it. I see him not as a possession or property but simply someone close to me that I care and look out for. He, in turn, has given me the nickname big dog. A name I immediately liked even though I’m not quite sure why yet. He says I don’t quite make the ‘daddy‘ title because our ages are too close. hehehe

He is coming up for Dore and it promises to be an informative (and hopefully very fun) weekend! lol It will be a test of sorts. He and I plan to get into more than a little trouble together and see how we do.

Wish me luck?