To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. ^[1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.