Home & Back Again

Well, I’m home again. Boy am I glad to be home! The trip took alot out of me. I think more than I was originally willing to admit. Anyway, I’ve pieced together my ramblings while away. **Its took me several days to get this into a form the I feel truly expresses the power of the ordeal**

How does one close the book on a lifetime of avoidance? How do you comfort someone that you barely know in their darkest hour? How do you tell a total stranger you love him and mean it? These are just a few of the questions I pondered as I gazed on my bedridden father in the last days of his life.

The answer? The best way you can. He was in awful shape. Gone was the big strong man I remembered of youth. Gone was the dominant voice and powerful control of those around him. In its place was left a skeleton of a man, peeking out of a cancer ravaged body, holding onto the last thread of his life in the vain hope of a miracle. I have never felt such shame as I did then. I couldn’t even look him in the face at first. I think I focused so much on preparing my defenses, I forgot he is dying. As I gazed down on the man who caused me so much pain through out my life, I found my only thoughts were of comforting him. I never thought in a million years that by just being there this past weekend, I could bring him so much joy.

I have to stop now….

**I’m writing again, this time on the plane trip home**
How do I pick up where I left off? I can’t really think of a way that works so I’ll just dive back into it. I find I no longer care whether my father admits he was wrong for all the things he did to me. Sometimes you have to let go w/o getting a resolution. By letting go, you release yourself from the misery and pain of abuse. The breakup w/the ex taught me that. I can’t help but wonder if the breakup was a lesson learned to prepare me for this.

I think I was hoping to resolve my issues w/the family by making a last stand against them. Ain’t it funny how things never work out the way you expect? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong to a family.

*The plane is landing, more later*