I’m on my horse this week so I figured I’d keep it rolling. I’ve blogged on this before but as always, the thought processes are ever-evolving. Actually, I was reminded after having a flame war on twitter last night. [1]Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight. I’m referring to the word in the sense of the gay community.
I hear all the time, "I’m not into the gay scene" or "I don’t really feel a part of the gay community". Even better, "I just have nothing in common with those people." Wha-wha-what? Forgetting for a moment these statements are completely subjective, I have a newsflash for ya. IF YOU ARE GAY, that makes you connected. Does that mean you have to identify with everyone? No. Does that mean it should consume you? Of course not. Does being straight make all straight people cohesive? Then why should we think that being gay will unite us all together?
Webster has several definitions for the word community but the one I find most applicable is as follows:
n: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society. [2]http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community
So we have a defining characteristic that makes us a community in this sense. However, as mentioned, the word has several other meanings. And herein lies the distinction lost, IMHO. [3]I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it. Just click the damn lick above already. Whether thru simple misunderstanding or misapplication, we have begun to assume the wrong definition of "community" to describe ourselves. Maybe because we want to belong but don’t feel like we do. Boy, am I an expert on that one. I would argue that most of the LGBT community doesn’t really identify with any of the more visible sub-cultures or stereotypes. But because the latter tend to be more visible, we incorrectly assume a lack of connection. There are other factors that come into play however, for the sake of brevity we’ll stick to the topic at hand. (I do so love to hear myself talk don’t I?)
Where does that leave us? Well, you can continue to distance yourself out of fear or you can decide that you are not a victim. I know, I know it is easier to play the victim when you feel cut off and alone. Been there, done that, still have the Tshirt. Here is another newsflash for ya. No one can make you feel inferior w/o your permission. And, hiding behind ineffectual coping mechanisms is not the answer either. Happiness is not a guarantee. It is up to you to get off your butt and pursue it. It doesn’t take courage or bravery or any of that other shit. All it takes is effort.
Let go of the outside-looking-in mentality and join the rest of the community in celebration of life and the struggle for our freedoms.
References
| ↑1 | Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight. |
|---|---|
| ↑2 | http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community |
| ↑3 | I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it. Just click the damn lick above already. |
PREACH IT, BROTHER. I already hear one “Hallelujah….”….Do I hear another?
I couldn’t agree more, dude. There is a very popular personification of gay men perpetuated in media that leaves many gay men wondering how they’ve been lumped into that community. Obv, it’s the gay factor that brings it together. Of minorities and subcultures that have sought equal rights, LGBT is next at bat. Something we need to learn from people currently advocating and those previous is that we are still people. I often get a red flag for saying this, but especially in the black community, the status of minority and for lack of a better word, blackness (insert other minority here), is used as a defense. It is constantly thrown up that, “You’re not, so you wouldn’t understand.” I’m sure anyone that has been out to a gay club (straight, gay, otherwise and etc), can relate to the *queen* and other negative stereotypes that run rampant. And for us gay men that really don’t identify with the community at large, hating and perpetuating the negativity is not the right answer……it only justifies further vilification of the gay community, showing that we really are evil and trying to take over the world. The best we can do for the gay community is show that gay is not singularly defined in a rainbow flag and hot pink hot pants prancing down the avenue during pride with exclamations in a high-pitched valley girl inflection, “OH MY GOD! You are so fierce!” Bigmuscles, I’m sure relate best. Like any community you have a range, good or bad, and everywhere between. Instead of bemoaning how *the gays* have ruined it for the rest of us, make that effort to show that there is more to being gay than an attraction to men. If you hate the projection of gays in the media, you need to get up and do something to change it. That’s real pride. Play the victim and accept the boundaries that others’ place upon you, and that is all you will ever know. Thanks for the thoughtful post, sir Moby—J
I agree – and I don’t.
I’ve blogged about this before too – so I get it. In theory. For being such a “community” and wanting to be accepted – I’ve rarely seen a group who is so quick to exclude each other and be bitchier than thou.
We want people to accept us, but we don’t want to accept each other – this I just do not get. At all.
I’m a big believer in the power of Community! When we come together and work towards a common goal there is nothing more powerful than a bunch of fags and dykes with a shared mission, a cause, a belief and a goal.
I’ve stopped trying to convert people who don’t believe, but I’m still at a loss as to why they can’t see what we can do together.
Guess I’ve had some really positive experiences, where others haven’t…
Blobby ~ That can be true but it works both ways. We have to be as equally accepting of the stereotype as we do of those who aren’t.
Whenever I see “Not into the gay scene” all I can think is- “trainwreck.” People who feel the need to state what they don’t like (“fems” “fat” “gay-acting”) usually have some issues they should deal with.
“If you are gay that makes you connected.” Really? I’m left handed, I drive a Kia, I dislike pan flute music. Do any one of these characteristics make me a part of a community? If so, then community means even less than I think it does.
If you feel connected to the larger gay whole, some artificial construct called “the community,” then good on ya. Really, I’m glad for you. I don’t get it but I’m glad for you.
As an aside, not feeling a part of the “community” doesn’t mean one feels inferior, victimized, nor does that make one a “train wreck,” It just means you feel the “community” is kind of well… You know.
Lionel ~ No, I don’t know. Enlighten me.
Did you actually read the definition link? You’re argument(s) proved my point. You implication is that to be part of the gay community we must all be in harmony. Is the straight community in harmony? Do they always see eye to eye on every issue? Do they all get along?
Being gay makes you part of the gay community. It gives us commonalities. Beyond the obvious, we are oppressed, denied equal treatment under the law, stigmatized, etc. In these areas we should have a common goal. Everything else is up to you.
I would argue it is you trying to be part of an “artificial construct” which actually doesn’t exist. In a lot of your twitter comments you imply you feel like you must conform to an image to be a good gay. That is subjective and a projection thru conditioning. And so what if someone actually believes that. You re-enforce the notion by thinking it applies to you. It doesn’t.
Words to think on or just more annoying tapping on your shield?
Around these parts this is all I hear and see when visiting some Online dating service… that and no pictures. What ticks me off is someone will contact me with no picture and then proceed to mention they are not into the scene. First of all there’s not much of a “scene” around here so WTF are you talking about? AND second of all provide a f***ing picture!
Recently an older gentleman contacted me and tells me he is not into the scene, in the closet and provides no picture. Then he tells me he’s a “work-in-progress”. WTF? Work in progress? You’re 56 f***ing years old! How long will it f***ing take?
I’m done. I’m over it. It’s just me and a good bottle of Pinot Noir these days.
Having watched the twitter flame war, and myself being in a new city and recently becoming part of the “community” (as Lionel likes to put it). I have found, and maybe it is more relaxed here in SD, that you are only going to get out of it what you put into it. It isn’t going to come to you with open arms because you happen to like men. Communities work because of participation. There are less than desirable people within any community, it is going to happen. Sometimes, it is easier to criticize than to participate and affect the change you desire. I know it sounds clich’e, but by putting yourself out there with goals in mind, like minded people will be drawn to you. I have found that my community is very social, but also very conscious about helping the larger community through fund raisers and events. I can’t say I am active with that, but I do try to always participate.
You make your own community, the community doesn’t make you.
the best drinking game takes place at any sash rash contest/event (i.e. Mr. 200whatever Powerhouse/Eagle/Faultline, etc. You have to take a swig (or do a shot) every time a contestant utters the word “community” ~ gets the crowd real drunk real fast.
Kevin-Andrew, I NEVER show my face. I Never provide a picture. I prefer to keep a sense of mystery about myself. It’s just part of my misty mystique.
Wait a minute..how the HELL did that pic get next to my name? Ignore it. I NEVER wear turtlenecks.