According to the BT’s [1]Bible Thumpers, I’m going to hell so I figure I might as well deserve it. Today’s post is completely shallow in nature.
I’m wondering how many characters other folks have at their gyms. There is almost always the creepy scary guy that everyone avoids like the plague. Being in the Motherland, I seem to have a whole plethora of characters.
1) There is the token creepy guy however, I feel for him. He has lost over 100 lbs. Everyone avoids him as he is rather scary. He wears beer-bottle glasses, shuffles vs walking, and is rather unattractive. He is lacking in the social skills as well. I often go out of my way to say hello to him and give him words of encouragement. It takes a lot of effort to come as far as he has. I’ve also chastised several friends for being ugly to him.
2) Tall thin man. Think Phantasm or Poltergeist. The guy gives me the chills every time I see him. I do not feel sorry for him as he doesn’t work out much. He parks his naked self in the steam room, fondles himself, and lurks at everyone with his bulging uneven eyeballs. I could swear he mumbles "God is in his holy temple" under his breath. Spooky. *channeling Tangina* Crossover children! All are welcome!
3) The Hammer. So nicknamed because he has the biggest cock I’ve ever seen on a live person. Even soft, this monster dangles at 10-12" in length and thicker than a coke can. It truly is a sight to behold. However, it gets old very quickly as he often parks himself in the sink area daily with this behemoth dangling like a big ole hammer. No matter what time I go, he always seems to be there. He is in his 60’s. I bet he was a rockstar in the 70’s with that monster. I often wonder if he is trying to hold onto his days of glory.
4) Jesus. I shit you not this dude looks like Jesus Christ. Long hair, the facial definition, etc. lol I tried to sneak a pic today but he kept watching me. I think he sicked the Holy Ghost on me. Every time I see him I feel a little dirty.
5) The Stallion. This guy has a tattoo "The Italian Stallion" on his back. A good example of why one should give careful thought to tattoos and their placement BEFOREHAND.
6) Jabba the Hut. A rather large rotund fellow that sort of slithers about. He has one of those dangling bellies that hangs down almost to his knees. I’ve never once seen him actually work out however, he is routinely attached to a bench in the steam room like a barnacle.
7) The Rambler. An attractive fellow that storms all over the gym constantly talking on his cellphone. I often wonder if he ever finds time to actually work out.
8 ) Last but not least, Killer. This guy manhandles every piece of equipment in the gym. However, he does everything completely wrong. It boggles the mind how he has survived this long w/o killing himself. Entire sections of the gym will stop to watch him in disbelief.
That is all I can think of at the moment. I know there are more. Now that I’m going to hell, who are your favorites at your gym?
References
| ↑1 | Bible Thumpers |
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It’s such a shame when we can’t be polite to people (#1). Belittling those less fortunate doesn’t make us any better. (#2) it really grosses me out when people troll in “public” areas like gyms, bathrooms, where people go to workout or answer natures call. There are plenty of places where people can go just to look for anonymous hookups – then again, I’ve never been to *your* gym :p
(#4) you should just ask him – there have been a few times that I’ve asked people if I could use a picture of them in my blog and I’ve never had anyone say no.
I know everyone has a workout routine and you are supposed to break in between sets and all, but I have several guys at my gym (very nice eye candy) that seem to spend more time chit chatting with each other and being all studly rather than working out… they are usually there when I get there and still there when I leave an hour or so later… and the whole time seems they talked more… and they are str8… Since my gym is next to Virginia Commonwealth University, I get that they are probably fraternity brothers catching up on all their conquest and drinking that they have done… I dunno… my time is valuable, I do my cardio… do weights and get the hell out… unless is it Body Pump class… but that is still only an hour… man I am rambling this morning… smooches from the East Coast!
You forgot to mention Killer’s grunts. He grunts every rep regardless of intensity and will throw weights when he’s done with them. Is this an obvious and pathetic way to get attention? Of course not! He’s just focused, pleb.
A couple more:
The Jazzerciser, who does nothing but aerobics in the most gawdy outfits possible. While he may look ridiculous kicking and jumping with leg warmers and headbands straight out of the 80s, he doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of him and is therefore fabulous.
The Spotter, so named because he’s always asking you if need a spot. While this is helpful when you actually need a spot, it can be pretty irritating when you don’t. The Spotter will also give you plenty of tips on how to improve your form and different types of exercises.
The Trainer, the gym employee who is only friendly to you because he wants to sell you an overpriced training package. Once you break down and buy said overpriced package, you find out that he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing and wish him bodily harm.
At my gym, I’ve noticed many guys who have fantastic upper bodies – arms like oak tress, pecs as big as Lou Ferrigno’s – but legs skinnier than a twig. They never seem to work on the legs — at least, I’ve never seen them working them — and strut around the weight floor like roosters. they drop the weights heavily on the floor so people will pay attention to them, too.
How about the “old boys club”? The group of power lifters/bodybuilders who take up 5 pieces of equipment and use it every 10 minutes, but give you the eyes of death if you think you could sneak a few reps in while they are talking about how great they are.
I think I have about 4 of those types at my gym. But my hammer instead has a nutsack the size of a dodgeball.
We have the Jackoffasaur – no named for the South Park episode that featured Jackoffasaurs. Always on his phone, super loud and annoying.
Tonga – He’s this HUGE polynesian dude, totally built and hot.
Squished Ken Doll Face – we looked him up since he’s an amateur bodybuilder and his real name is, it doesn’t get any more white than this, Max Fairchild.
Liza with a Z – this is a huge bodybuilder who looks like he’s the child of Jason Bateman and Liza Minelli. He’s clearly done way too much growth horomone and looks like a giant mass of crap. He complains that its difficult to make a living now that the cops have cracked down on steroids in Dallas. Boo Hoo.
UCSB – hot guy with a girldfriend who clearly has no appreciation for his incredible looks and physique, she don’ ‘preciate him. He’s always wearing UCSB garb.
There’s many more that we have no names for.
You crack me up!
I no longer have time for the gym because of my hours on the job. It’s sad, but true. I now workout at home with quick simple exercises in the morning during my work week and then a little more intensive on my weekend.
Well, there’s that transgendered porn star at your gym. We were there at the same time she was working out. That made my hair stand up when I saw this big burly and hairy man talk so softly.
Dennis ~ We have the Jazzerciser guy at the Brannan gym. I feel for him too as nature was not kind. Butt ugly and he always wears these fufu skippy lycra outfits. It’s just scary.
Brett ~ OH! I totally forgot about him! He isn’t spooky or anything though. I haven’t seen him in a while. He is really nice too.
At my gym in Campbell, when I lived down in the south bay, we had a guy like your ‘Killer.’ Only his shtick was to grasp 15lb weights in each hand, stand about a foot in front of a mirror, and shadow box himself. We would always get away from him, but also watch him, waiting for that day when he would smash the mirror into shards. Never happened.
there’s “old yeller” – the guy who’s always boisterous and LOUD in the locker room. screams at this friends across the room or if they’re in the john. NEVER shuts up and NEVER has anything at all to say.
there’s the gym guy – who’s alway there 24/7 365 but never changes at all physically. he may be a poltergeist, though.