Well the trip to see my father is fast approaching and I’m still a bit mixed up about it. Of course, most people hearing of his pending death, immediately offer condolences and start to worry if “I’m doing ok”. Since I don’t ‘do’ funerals, this trip will be the last time I ever lay eyes on him. After the tragedy of my childhood my views on death have changed significantly. This ties into my spiritual beliefs as well. I don’t know exactly when it happened but one day I just stopped fearing death. Simply put, I come to view death as a crossing of sorts, not a dead end. If I had known this when I lost my first love it would have saved me so much unnecessary anguish. Crap! I’m getting off topic a bit. So anyway, I won’t be going to his funeral. What has got me a bit apprehensive is the coming showdown.
Knowing him and how he likes to procrastinate, he won’t say anything until I’m ready to leave, then he’ll bring it all up and try to foster his guilt off on me. His modus operandi has always been to apologize for his behavior and then immediately try to blame me for the whole thing. I think he would rather I had never told him and just lied about it. He is able to justify his actions that way. So with this in mind, I’m forced into a dilemma. Do I swallow my self-pride and dignity that took me years to find and just let him do it so he can pass on w/a clear conscience or do I stand by who/what I am till the very end? His end.
If you read my blog often, you can probably guess the answer already.