Its 4 fucking am in the morning and I can’t sleep. I just got off the phone with the flight attendant. (At least he is on East coast time currently). The title indicates basically what I told him to do.
After my last rant I had pretty much decided to go see him tomorrow tonight. I get home, go to bed and end up tossing and turning thinking about it. One, that tells me I like this guy more than I’m admitting, and two, something is bothering me. So what the fuck is it? As much as I wanna see him, it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I felt guilty. I couldn’t really place what I was feeling. Finally, in an act of defiance, I decided to call him. As expected, he was having mixed feelings about us meeting again as well. He’d also apparently had a miserable night tossing and turning. (I wonder if that’s where the phrase misery loves company comes from?) Anyway, we talked and I told him how I felt and my honest opinion of what was going on. I asked him point blank if he loved the other guy. There was that distinct pause before, the “well, I care deeply about him yadda yadda yadda“. Translation, no he doesn’t love him. They’ve been going out since March. He told me the first night we met there was a distinct lack of a spark in his current thing. However, I’m not Dr Phil looking for a case to solve. Instead, I offered the best solution I could think of to the problem. I figure whatever he chooses is the best answer for both of us.
What did I ask him? I asked him to imagine a lifetime with what he feels for the other guy and then imagine a lifetime of what he felt with me. I told him not to answer but to think about it. I figure he has 12+ hours of active duty to work and mull it over in the back of his mind. If he calls me tonight, it would mean he chose me, if he doesn’t I still have my answer.
I only have our one chance meeting (and a night of very intense hot sex) and several text and phone calls back and forth to go by so I’m not really sure what I’m expecting. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d choose me if the shoe was on the other foot however, it isn’t. It boils down to this. He and I felt a very real connection the night we were together. He felt it and I felt it. If he was in love with the other guy I doubt that would have been possible. Then it finally hit me! I’m not upset because I’m feeling guilty, I’m upset because I’m not content to share. My ass was chapped knowing this other guy is out there diverting his affection from me! Talk about possessive, jeez. But there it is. That is exactly what I’m feeling.
I’m the type of person I go for what I want. A point demonstrated by how we met in the first place. I clearly want him whether I’m willing to admit it to myself or not obviously. If he does call, I plan on making sure he knows I don’t plan on sharing him with the other guy. (I think he knows it but it needs to be said) And if he doesn’t, well I always have reruns of Dr Phil.
I know what you mean. But if you feel that way and so does the beau, then fingers crossed you get that call. Your top totty anyway so it would be his loss.
You did the right thing. (listen to me talking ha!) It’s always best to lay it out there. If it happens, then it happens for the right reasons, if not, move on.
I think I’m going to get a teeshirt that says “WWMD”… What Would Moby Do.
And cue the song “Alone” by Heart.
M-I concur with Eiain. Hopefully he’s as smart as he sounds hot, and he’ll make the intelligent choice. If not, meh. You tried. That’s what counts.
XO
GBoogie
Moby. Oh my Gawd. What did you do? I know you didn’t just throw down an ultimatum to someone like a flight attendent that lives out of state! Lordy. I thought you were more level headed than that. That screams something Desperina the Gay Man would do. (my alter ego when I am single) Dude. Get those damn emotions tied up in a knot. You are going to scare off this hot piece. It has been my experience that desperation NEVER wins the day. Act like you don’t give a damn. Act like you are busy. But for God’s sakes… don’t be making someone choose between you and their significant other. Men don’t respond well to that type of pressure. Try playing harder to get.
Brett ~ I did give him the option to choose, yes. Ultimatum? no as that is so final. Nothing in life is final except death and taxes and even then I think God negotiates. 😛
He stated up front said person had not reached the status of “partner”. And while I get your point, I disagree. True enough, he started out as a booty call, he was becoming more. No, I will not play the shallow fag and treat him accordingly. I find that behavior beneath me.
The point is I have no desire to start a dating someone already dating someone else. He can’t see me on the side for passion and then run home to the other guy for everything else.
I owuldn’t want to date someone dating someone else either.
moby i feel the same way,while i am really ready to date, the situation is not the best yet, but would not want to date someone who is seeing other people…..guess i am old fashioned fart but just how i feel
Moby, you sound a mess. Tossing and turning….point blank questions…..and all of this after only one night of hot, man-juice-spilling sex and few calls or texts? Never let them see you sweat. Doesn’t look good. And giving him 12 hours to sort it out? Sometimes these things take weeks, months, even years. Putting a time frame on it seems a little….what shall we say….unrealistic? Relax, man. Take it for what it IS….not what it ISN”T. Keep it SIMPLE. It is very possible that he needs a flash in the pan…..and nothing more. And that’s a tough thing to swallow (no pun intended). I’m thinking about you today. It’ll all work out, somehow, someway.
Moby, I hope it all works out. I’m not a good sharer, either. I’m very selfish when it comes to relationships.
I don’t like to share either, being an emotionally (though not always sexually) monogamous person. But at what point do I expect the other person to feel the same way? After the first date? After our first deep, emotional sharing conversation? After a series of dates? When he actually stops dating others? Or…can I expect the other will have the same values I have and meet my expectations at all.
I get myself into trouble when I let my emotions and needs drive my expectations for others’ behavior. Of course, I want someone that I want to want the same things that I do.
But more often than not, my expectations create the situation where I can’t enjoy whatever I have with this person, ‘cuz I get so focused on whether it’s going to “work out,”, meaning meet my mental/emotional checklist.
Best of luck. I hope that you get what you want.
I don’t like to share either, being an emotionally (though not always sexually) monogamous person. But at what point do I expect the other person to feel the same way? After the first date? After our first deep, emotional sharing conversation? After a series of dates? When he actually stops dating others? Or…can I expect the other will have the same values I have and meet my expectations at all.
I get myself into trouble when I let my emotions and needs drive my expectations for others’ behavior. Of course, I want someone that I want to want the same things that I do.
But more often than not, my expectations create the situation where I can’t enjoy whatever I have with this person, ‘cuz I get so focused on whether it’s going to “work out,”, meaning meet my mental/emotional checklist.
Best of luck. I hope that you get what you want.
My feeling is this…he’s a flight attendant. Flight attendants have a job where they overnight in other cities on a regular basis. Tonight it’s Knoxville, tomorrow Newark, next week San Juan. He’s a person probably used to having his meat squeezed several times a week in many different places. If you’re valuing commitment, monogamy, or stability, that’s not the place to go.
And if he’s cheating on his current beau, do you think you’re that special that he won’t do it to you?
But don’t listen to me. You know what you want, and what’s right for you.
I only have our one chance meeting (and a night of very intense hot sex) and several text and phone calls back and forth to go by so IÂ’m not really sure what IÂ’m expecting.
You don’t really know this guy. I do think people can connect very deeply very fast (happened with me & my ex) but… you don’t even know this guy. There’s lust and there’s intimacy, and intimacy is when you haven’t had sex in a month and he’s cranky and you’re cranky and you still can look at him and feel happy he’s around.
If I were in his shoes, I’d be thinking, “How can I choose? I don’t know what I’m choosing between.”
But the cheating thing is kind of a deal breaker. the only ultimatum I’d give would be, “tell the other guy about me.”