Holy War

Brothers and sisters, harken unto my voice. I am declaring a fatwa. Not on who but what, grease and fat! As the first of the three gay high holy days1 approaches, it is time. The Motherland, one again, is preparing to receive her lost children unto her bosom. She will have you clean and deserving or not at all.

I declare unto you, go forth and make war on the fatty and greasy foods. No more will you be slaves to their evil influence. You must resist the temptation to indulge in their sinfulness2. They are infidels and will only try to subvert you into their hideous ways. Instead, you will prostrate yourself in daily workout routines. You will not skip your cardio workouts. You will burn away the years of evil residue and build up. Make it so for I have spoken. I have declared they are the “axis of evil” and must be defeated at all costs! Make it so my children.


1 Gay Pride, Up Your Alley Fair, and Folsom St. Fair.
2 That means no Taco Bell brettcajun!

13 thoughts on “Holy War”

  1. How DARE you bring up my name and Taco Bell! How did you KNOW I had Taco Bell today???!!!!

    When I did my “War on Fat” earlier, it took all but three weeks to win… but then all the big bears all said I was too skinny and unhealthy looking.

  2. Although I can not come to the Gay Mecca and throw stones at the poorly dressed, I hear your call and shall fast with thou.

  3. Doh!!! I had Wendy’s for lunch. Ok, tomorrow I start, well it’s Friday tomorrow, so I’ll start Monday.

  4. Being raised (and escaping from) Southern Baptist I have to ask how one is supposed to survive without fried chicken, sweet tea, and buttermilk bisuits?

  5. I too shall heed the call and will only consume wheat stalks and small pebbles from this day forward.

  6. I did my part–I didn’t eat Burger King for breakfast this morning. Geez, the sacrifices I have to make….

  7. Amen, Moby! I’ve been on this crusade for (what seems like) forever. It’s like a neverending treadmill. 🙂

  8. Sorry, Brother Moby. I need one day of sinful grease in-take. Today (11 May) is “Eat What You Want Day”…and Popeye’s is callin’ my name!

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