Reflect

Continuing in my cruise posts (This should be the last one, I think. lol), I did some reflection while I was away. Some things sort of popped out and grabbed my attention while others were just subtle moments of clarity. I was particularly aware of how our culture was represented in micro-communities. I guess that makes sense. You squeeze almost 3 thousand gay men on a boat, you’re gonna see a snapshot of varied sub cultures. I guess in some ways I was pleasantly surprised. This wasn’t my first cruise but it was my first gay cruise. I expected it to be all middle aged white guys grasping at their lost youth. I know that is a negative view and I’m not even sure why I thought it would be like that. ^[1]We’ll save that nut to crack for a later day. But it wasn’t and that’s a good thing. Hehe  Seeing the diversity of folks on board was oddly reassuring.

More subtle were some of the changes I’ve wrought in myself over the years. I interacted with random guys pretty much every day. And while that would have been true at any point in my life, the internal dialog was very different. No bouts of doubt or insecurity. No envy or feeling left out. Nothing negative at all. I know I harp on this a lot but it represents a fundamental shift in my id and attitudes. I strive to keep myself on a path of healthy thoughts. The cruise reaffirmed my success at that goal. I also noticed the difference in my maturity. Trev, Mikey, and I have known each other for 20 years and looking back on our beginnings and now, I could see my own maturation. ^[2]My big word of the day! It was a very nice, and yet surreal, feeling. You reflect on old memories and then overlay them with the present.

There was a drug component, which is always my biggest hurdle in participating in gay – only events.  But, it wasn’t as bad as I projected. I will say it soured a couple of my interactions with some pretty hot guys but beyond that it was only a small blip on my radar. I had been very worried this would spoil my fun. I was as incorrigible as always mind you.

In many ways, the trip made me appreciate my life. As it got closer and closer, I found that the idea of needing to get away less compelling. I’ve become a big fan of mediation and while on the trip I continued my meditation exercises. Yeah, I know to some that’s new age hocus pocus but it works for me.  Being able to meditate grounds me and helps keep everything around me in check. I appreciated and enjoyed the trip as a temporary diversion from life but I fully recognized it was a diversion. It wasn’t so much of an escape from reality as a release of energy. Once that energy was released, I was ready for home. I’m beginning to think this is why I no longer enjoy long vacations.

Anyway, the picture is an album link to a variety of pics. Some are flattering, others not so much. Most of the pics were from Port days or the dance parties. Feel free to skip over the scenery pics, I realize we all get bored with those pretty quickly.

I saw a kid that reminded me so much of me it was kinda scary. He was young, scrawny, and totally out of his element in many ways. But, and I say that with a big pause, he had something I didn’t have back then, self-awareness. Seeing him work that to his advantage made me a bit envious. I’ll probably devote a later post to this subject as I have a lot to say here but don’t wanna go off topic too much.

Hanging with Trevan and Mikey is pretty much as it has always been. Our friendships don’t take a lot of work, they just are. The cruise was supposed to have a fourth but ended up being just the three of us. We were snotty, bitchy, and caddy to each other as if we’d just seen each other yesterday. I missed them more than I realize and the trip together made me see that. I’ve been wrapped in my own problems/world for the last few years. Being out and about again was very healthy for my soul.

It’s ironic that I took a trip to get away and came away from the experience with a better perspective of my life and priorities.