Interesting share today.
I rant into a guy on the street the other day that I’ve had a crush on for some time. We always see each other at the gym, exchange glances and smiles. I heard he had a partner so I never pursued it further. I run into him while walking Cooper one day and we stop to exchange pleasantries and formally introduce ourselves. There were some obvious sparks passing between us instantly. He was very sweet and charming. We talked for a bit before I confessed how handsome I thought he was. He returned the sentiment with a big smile. I asked if he was single. To his credit, he stated he was but that he was dating someone. With that news, I mentioned that I would normally give my number but wouldn’t because I didn’t want to intrude into his current situation.
He was visibly surprised and appreciative of my candor and unwillingness to put my own needs before respect. He told me outright he appreciated the respect. He got bonus points for loving Cooper immediately. lol Anyway, we continued to chat and flirt harmlessly for a bit more before going our separate ways. As we departed, he mentioned to me that if things didn’t work out he would very much like to reach out to me. I stated that would be very ok with me.
I got to thinking. How many other guys would have done the same? How many of you reading would have done the same? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not inferring anything inappropriate or negative here. I’m sincerely curious if others would see it the same way I did. Some believe, ‘all is fair in love and war‘. And while I don’t necessarily cater to that belief, I’m not saying it is wrong or right. I’ve always admitted I’m an odd bird. I’m wired very different from a lot of people and I’m cool with that. And had my interest only been carnal, I wouldn’t have had a problem as long as that was allowed on his part. [1]I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
From my perspective, it would have been rude or disrespectful to try and muscle in on someone else’s potential partner. While not at a partner level, it was pretty obvious it was more than casual dating. To try and insert myself in a romantic sense just felt wrong to me. I’ve never been able to date more than one guy at a time. Dating [2]not a date but serious continuous dating to me implies intimacy and potential for more and I have never been able to split my affections like that. I know other guys who seem to have no problem managing multiple suitors and see no conflict with it. I’m not saying they are wrong, nor am I judging them. I’m just saying it is not for me, and conversely I wouldn’t do it to someone else.
Very much the same way here Moby. If someone engages with me when they are with someone else, they will engage with someone else when with me. The situation speaks to not only the values of the pursuer, but also to the pursued as well.
I think the term, all is fair in love and war, doesn't really apply i this kind of situation, you weren't engaging in an affair, there and then on the street. Give him your number and put the decision in his hands.
I think the term, all is fair in love and war, doesn't really apply i this kind of situation, you weren't engaging in an affair, there and then on the street. Give him your number and put the decision in his hands…
@ibod8x5 I just wouldn’t be confident enough to say most of that…
Very nice read! Those of us who have been in circumstances from any perspective of ” all is fair in love and war” and do not want to repeat those experiences, act exactly in the manner you did. When a person pursues another who is “spoken for” no matter what the level of the relationship, the pursuer sends a message to others their behavior is okay and will likely get treated in the same manner. IT always comes back to double standards. You likely just made a new friend.
Good for you! I'm the same way. I offer respect for those in a situation to show that if the roles were reversed, I would expect the same respect for my situation. I'm tired of pushy queens trying to get what they can't have, or offer more than they can deliver only to ruin what could potentially be something very positive for someone else. I know it takes two, but respecting another's relationship isn't too much to ask no matter the level of involvement. Now, if he had an open situation, that's another story. At least he was honest with you and didn't try to play both sides of the fence. He seems like a stand up guy, and we know you are too!
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I sure wish the gay community had a lot more guys like you. Even if you look at it from the boyfriend's perspective, how disrespectful to hit on someone's partner. Every time I go to a gay event and am told "lovers can't be on the same team" I feel like bashing someone; and that comment usually comes from somebody who's single for a reason. It's unfortunate that so many guys don't respect couples; I mean, isn't that what all this marching is about? Because of some jerks, we usually only socialize with other couples.
dating is not the same as committed. we date to basically try someone out to see if they fit – some do and we keep them while others are just not right and those we cast aside. I see nothing wrong with giving up the digits so that the onus is on him to make the decision to pursue or not. I don't recall reading a gay dating etiquette guide recently, but you may have access to one – i dunno.
In the meantime you can feel all good inside from your good intentions while pining away from afar.
good for you! I'm the same way. Karma can be a bitch. I would want the same treatment in return.