Continuing in the reflection from my last rant, I’m pondering if my independence is sometimes a hindrance to my dating life. I’ve had several folks comment off-hand recently about my independence. One night after dinner and conversation with a friend about breakups, he commented that I was very self-contained. This got the old noodle working and it stuck with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that I’m not involved enough or giving enough w/potential bf’s or on dates. Not even remotely. No, I wonder if my ‘containment’ as it were could be the reason some guys feel intimidated or are afraid to approach me. I still can’t wrap my head around anyone thinking I could be intimidating. But more than a few people over the years have mentioned it to me. I still get surprised when anyone tells me they always wanted to say hi but were afraid to. So whether I intend it or not, there is obviously something to it. Even if it is a projection from the other person, something has to be triggering it. So now I’m wondering if my independence is part of that.
My friend, for the most part, was right. I am very self-contained. Growing up the way I did, I learned very early to take care of myself. Having few inhibitions, I also have no problems doing things solo. Pretty much anything I want to do, I can do alone if it strikes my fancy. I just don’t see a reason to avoid doing something I want to do because there is no one available at the time to do it with me.
Then you mix in that I’m not overly out in the community here, I wonder if the two combined give an appearance of aloofness. Let me back up a bit. I was very involved with the gay community when I first moved here. This gave me exposure to many of the long term gay residents here in SF. I know many of them in varying degrees. Add in the gym, my motorcycle group, and yes even my shenanigans over the last 12 years and it becomes impossible not to get to know or know of a lot of the locals. Then there is also my odd work schedule. Because I usually work swing shift, I can’t always do many of the events or social gatherings that a lot of the locals attend. Fast forward to the present, I’m beginning to get the sense that I’m known by many but rarely seen. I wonder if this contributes to this sort of faux picture of me being aloof or unapproachable?
Actually, the more I think on it, the more I believe all of this together plays a big part of it. I’m dumbfounded that I could have missed it for so long. Obviously, they don’t read my blog! lol If they did, they’d see how completely open and approachable I am. All joking aside though, I’m still pondering this. I may need to beat it here some more in the future…
GRIN. 🙂 If there ever was a blog post you've written where you have scared people into NOT commenting, this would be it. Let me proceed very gently a safe distance away from your swinging reach.
What if people judge you to be sooo "Independent", that they deem you not worthy as an investment of their time because the likelihood of a return of equal affection, attention, etc. is minimal at best.
If you are walking around sporting the attitude, "I don't need anybody! I can pay my own bills and take care of myself! If I have needs, I can find that too", what can you really offer others? Just a non-committal trick here and there. But what if your "Independence" doesn't align with what others are seeking? Then you have boxed yourself in considerably my friend.
@brett ~ ya know, this is one of the most relevant and insightful comments you've ever made here. lol Maybe home ownership is making you less crazy. 🙂 As to your point, I didn't mean to imply that my independence was an attitude or ego issue that I projected. Having said that, I can accept that maybe some might see it that way, even if I don't think that is a specific perception I give off.
I remember the first time I saw you. I was quite intimidated. But after breaking ice and four years later, I not only know how silly I was for being intimidated but I know what a wonderful, kind and generous man you are. You need to stay choosy with your heart…..that's not being aloof….it's being smart.
@Rick ~ Really? YOU!? lol So tell me what it was that intimidated you? And please be honest. I'm genuinely curious. Thanks for the compliment btw.
I have to concur with with Rick. The first time I met you I was intimidated as well. I think you have to consider the actions/reactions within our 'community' also as you ponder this. I've said a friendly hello to handsome men in passing and received more than one "why are you talking to me" look. It's their loss but it does set up environments where you skirt around strong silent types. I try not to let other peoples issues dictate how I live my life but I also tame efforts to avoid an awkward situation. I don't think this is unique to the gay community but it's also something we have to own up to.
Arnie Lewis Tharp liked this on Facebook.
Nothing wrong with being independent. Only when you start shutting out the world that it becomes volatile. All in moderation. 🙂
I totally came across this blog today when I mentioned to a friend I was interested in blogging myself, and he told me to check this page out and I’m glad I did because I’d like to give my opinion on this interesting topic.
I see you almost everyday somewhere between 711 and Starbucks and while to me you’re one of the the hotter guys in the neighborhood, I must say you do have somewhat of an intimidation factor to you, and with all the things going on in the Castro right now, I definitely
want to know my neighbors a little more.to me, the way you walk and the look on your face shout ‘stay away’…but fortunately you have the cutest dog ever, which can be the perfect excuse to talk to someone…and I’ve seen some people get good results from that…
but also remember that if someone feels your unapproachable, its likely about them and their own insecurities (like in my case) but now that the ice is somewhat broken I’ll definitely say hi the next time I see you 🙂
@daniel ~ thanks for being willing to share. Even as a kid, I had this issue. When I’m not deliberately attempting to reflect emotion and my face is relaxed people tell me I tend to look angry or upset. Usually, when I’m walking I can be distracted internally so I’m not surprised. Barring surgery, not much I can do about it though. lol Say hi next sometime. I promise not to bite.