Double

There is a set of twins that work out at my gym. One is gay and the other is straight. I’ve only recently begun to see them so I think they are new to the city. They always work out together and watching them you can tell they are pretty close. I’ve talked to them in passing a few times. I find myself being a little sad every time I’m around them. I guess it’s a reminder of my own twin that died during childbirth. I can’t remember if I’ve ever discussed that here. We were born 2 months premature and in the 70’s that was still a pretty big deal. I don’t see the need to flesh it out in every detail but obviously, I lived and he didn’t.

As a kid, I used to asked my dad on random occasions what was wrong with me. At the time, my little id had no understanding and I’d tell my dad that I felt broken. He always shrugged it off. Years later, finding out I was a twin was a huge relief because it explained so much. I grew up feeling like there was a big hole inside of me and now I knew why.

For a long time I was extremely bitter about it. I felt cheated in life because I was denied such a precious gift. Growing up very lonely and alone as a child, I think it only made the absence more acute in my mind. I’d speak to him in my dreams thinking I was talking to myself. Anyway, all these years later, I still find that I miss him and there are still times when I feel that hole there inside me. It isn’t the gaping wound it used to be but deep down it still hurts and I’m still just a little bitter about it.

I’ve also made mention in the past that I am a big believer in reincarnation. Well, what you might not know is I’ve always harbored a secret desire to run into my twin again in this life. When Apple guy and I first met, I had such a strong connection to him I secretly fantasized at times that he was my twin come back to me. Looking back on things, I feel completely foolish for thinking such a thing. Not because it was impossible but because I let my desire cloud my judgment. It certainly explained a lot though. My break up with Apple guy was very rough and I’ve repeatedly asked myself why I put up with it for so long. I am beginning to realize the connections and piece it all out. I’ve been overcome with shame, guilt, disappointment, bitterness, and anger along the way.

It wasn’t until I started running into the twins at the gym that things clicked into place. The day in question, I actually locked myself in the upstairs bathroom at the gym and cried for about 20 mins. ^[1]Lord only knows what everyone thought why I was in there for so long. lol It was a painful and yet liberating revelation though. It allowed me to let go of feelings and wistful thinking that was bringing me emotional harm and preventing me from moving on. For the first time since we split, I finally felt over it and ready to move on.

I find it ironic that every time I think I’ve learned all there is to know about myself, I discover something new. I’m 41 years old and I can feel my thoughts/ideals beginning to settle into constant patterns. I find I question my motives less and less and trust my decisions more and more. All good things, but I’ve always been afraid to reach a point where I no longer examined my actions. I’m proud to say that I am still capable of looking at myself objectively when the need arises. Not to mention, life has an almost sneaky way of showing us things we need to see.

I miss my twin and still hold out the hope that I’ll find him again, in some form. But if not, who knows what my next life holds? I never really believed it when people would tell me I had an old soul. I always felt too insecure and unstable to be an old soul. I’m not so sure anymore now. The older I get and as the length of the life behind me grows, I think this life’s conflict has blinded me at times. Looking back on it, I see a pattern of renewal, progress, and acceptance that just defies logic. I now believe it was and continues to be my soul speaking to my id. The problem is I wasn’t always listening. Ain’t that a kick in the pants?

As always, hope springs eternal. 🙂