It’s funny how memories can stimulate emotion even after decades. My last post about my childhood was a departure from my normal ramblings in that it was a very specific memory. The detail and clarity were peculiar enough but that’s not all of it. I’ll have one and then hours/days later something else will randomly spark and play out in my head, some good, some bad, some just random and unexpected. All of them surfacing in detail and then moving over for the next one. On a side note, it is a testament to human endurance that painful (even traumatic memories) tend to dull over time while good ones seem to remain bright and warm. Anyway, I don’t usually think back much on my childhood. While there were some really bright spots, most of it was one painful episode after another and better forgotten in my opinion. Honestly, I think I’ve even subconsciously blocked a lot of it out. [1]There are large chunks in several places that just seem to be missing. Even here on my blog I usually talk about my past in general terms as I’m often more concerned with the present.
The memories I do remember have been coming thick and fast over the last couple weeks. It’s been an odd sensation, even disconcerting at times, to have so many of them floating up from out of nowhere. Some from as far back as I can remember and others spread out in a kaleidoscope of random scenes. They never seem to be in any order. And while the stroll down memory lane has certainly been interesting, I’m more concerned with the why. What is it that has happened (or hasn’t) that I’m reliving my past? What kick-started all this into motion? Is it my age and the brain just doing its thing by purging or reinforcing memories? It’s certainly possible but I’m not buying it. I’m sitting here banging away on the keyboard and that idea just doesn’t fit. Is it just a random sense of nostalgia or is there more to it? Is my id trying to tell (or show) me something I’m missing or am I just going coo coo for coco puffs?! lol Either way, something is most definitely up.
This is another perfect moment when I get really frustrated with my lack of vocabulary. Yes, I speak purdy but there are times when simple words just don’t do the thought(s) justice. That being said, I’m doing my best to articulate as best I can… Thru it all I’ve had the weirdest sense that a part of me has returned, almost as if it had gone missing. I don’t have the faintest clue at the moment what that part is. [2]I just love little epiphanies, don’t you? lol This is why I continue to blog. I just feel more like myself than I have in awhile. Yes, that’s it exactly! I feel more like myself. But as opposed to what? What part of me has resurfaced or returned? I didn’t know anything went missing, so to have it return is equally confusing. At this moment I can’t pin it down to save my life but now that I’ve said it to myself, it seem right.
I’m sure over time it will come into more focus for me. Yes, you can rest assured I’ll beat it like a dead horse here once it does. Regardless of what it is, I’m glad. And as I’m so very fond of saying… hope springs eternal.
🙂
Maybe it is the protein shake you took after gym workout that boost your energy to think more. 🙂
Human memory is an odd thing. I has a very deep basis in the emotion and 'reptilian' parts of our brains. That is why the most emotional things tend to hold on for so long.
And the triggers to those memories are often strong emotions. For example, the bright spots, maybe bright spots now will dredge up those memories.
It's extremely easy and simple to explain what's happening here. You're experiencing a quantum fold event.
I'll explain.
Think of your existence as a piece of chiffon-like fabric, stretched across the table of infinity. there is a pencilishly light pattern drawn on it.that is your fate pattern. as you progress through life, this pencil pattern is woven into permanence by our experiences which imprint upon our quantum fabric. Ok? So occasionally, the winds of destiny or whatever bullshit blow your fabric around and your life experiences fold back upon each other, and your past intrudes on your present. Like when film was developed by hand, it was a slimy mess and you had to make sure no bits of the film strip touched each other or it would leave contact marks and spoil the images developing on the film.
To complicate it, we have not one pattern stretched upon the quantum table of eternity, but many billions, all working out their own versions of Moby's life simultaneously, but each altered by the individual circumstances of each reality. for example, the reason that you were remembering the tree sammich wasp story recently was because in one or more of your many billions (perhaps jillions) of past versions of that event, you died of multiple stings. Or perhaps in some version, a comet landed on the tree just at that minute, and you and all humanity was vaporized instantly. … Or perhaps in another version, a huge, hairy 6'7 lumberjack with 25' biceps ran up and plucked you out of the tree and took you away to live with him in his log cabin in the mountains where he fed you rice krispies treats every day and gave you 10 big wheels to play with and silly string and slinky's galore and your room had huge posters of Elizabeth Montgomery and Eric Estrada and Keith Partridge and Jodie Foster lived in the nearby log cabin and was your best friend. But i Digress.
But it's all very simple and easy to explain. Elementary even. Especially if you're high on vicodin like I am right now.
What Tony P said. And the older I get, the more it happens. The hurtful episodes seem to lose their power but the happy ones almost seem enhanced…happier. And some things, like memory, simply cannot be explained. I just sort of let it flow over me, and I try not to control it too much.
I used to dream that I could not find my locker in HS. Then I would find it, but I couldn't remember the combination. It was very stressful and I would wake up in a sweat. Then, at around age forty, I started finding my locker. Still couldn't remember the combination though. Now, at age 60, I find the locker, remember the combination, but decide to skip out on HS all together.