Wish List

Le old blog has always been about me learning and discovering myself. True to form, this post follows in that vein. Its also a bit mushy. (You have been warned. lol,)

I was yacking it up with my buddy Christopher the other night and had a bit of an epiphany. It just sort of hit me while I was ranting away on the phone. ^[1]I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.  Many of you know things have been going pretty well between Apple guy and myself. So I’m talking with Christopher about that very thing; basically ticking off all the things that I like about him. I’m literally bouncing thru a list in my head when it suddenly dawned on me. For the first time in my entire life, I’ve met someone who has every quality ^[2]Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him! that I’ve always wished for in what I’d consider my ideal mate!  *goose bumps from hell!*

I’m fond of saying, ‘I try to be the type of man I’d like to date.’ It doesn’t mean I’m searching for perfection just someone perfect for me. And I’ll be the first to admit, its taken me many years and many failed attempts to discover what exactly that is to me. I had to discover not only what it is I want/don’t want but also what it is I have to offer in return. And lawd knows, many of you have followed my dating ups and downs over the years. A small few of you have even been their since the beginning of my blog and the very raw and painful break-up with the ex.

Thru it all, I’ve met guys who had some or most of what I wanted but never the whole enchilada. I guess you could call it a wish list. And to be frank, I’ve never actually expected to find someone who had it all. I’ve always hoped I’d find a guy who I had enough in common with to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. A relationship that was honest, open, and free to evolve as we did. ^[3]No tall order at all, right? lol  After TFA, I’d pretty much given up on that. It became something I still wanted but never expected to really find. To my credit, even after TFA, I continued to dabble and explore parts of my id. And I’m somewhat proud to stay, even thru my resignation, I still managed to continue learning about myself.

So imagine my total surprise to suddenly realize I could very well be getting my wish! I found someone who represents everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. I guess it shouldn’t come as a big surprise to me (even though it is) my connection and approach to building a relationship with this person has and is completely different. Instead of discovering a few things that appeal to me and then attempting to build a relationship on those things, I find myself just building on one entirely all-inclusive package. (This is one of those times where I know my grasp of the English language fails me. Try as I might, I can’t seem to truly express the full breath of what I’m feeling right now.)

How do I make this make sense? Let me try this. With my previous dating attempts, no matter how good or bad, I’ve always felt like I was either giving up part of myself or part of what I truly wanted in an effort make the relationship work. I have yet to feel any of that with Apple guy. If anything, I’m getting more than I ever hoped.  Being very territorial about my private space, I’ve yet to feel trapped, cooped up, or even bothered by any of the time he has spent with me. Our time together just seems so easy, with little or no effort on either of our part. Considering we spent over 2 months of the last 5 1/2 months together, that is a big statement. I’ve had contentment before but never in the sense I feel it now. My biggest fear after Drew was being abandoned again. After he moved here, it seemed all of his priorities and goals changed. Sadly, those changes didn’t include me. It hurt me very deeply when he so abruptly abandoned me. It also made me greatly fear the same thing in all of my following dating attempts. And to be fair, I am still scared now, however it isn’t as overpowering like times past. Its more of a nagging annoyance that rears its head in my moments of doubt. If anything, I’m finding a strength I’ve never know before. I don’t worry about Apple guy finding the BBD. ^[4]bigger better deal  I am self-assured in the knowledge that he is with me for many of the same reasons I am with him. And while we relate very differently in these areas, I am discovering how to read and understand him. That understanding has only served to re-enforce my new found strength. I think there are definitely times when I fail to express (to him) the true depth of my emotion. That said, I am confident he sees the truth behind my eyes. Does that make any sense at all?  Ugh. I’m still struggling to express myself here.

I guess in the simplest terms I know, in almost 6 short months, I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love. I feel like Apple guy is the one. Not the fairytale happy-ever-after crap, but the one person who is willing to take the time to understand me, accepts me (flaws and all), and is willing to stand by me thru the good and the bad. I am not so foolish to think we won’t have problems or fight, but I find myself daring to believe he is perfect for me. He allows the “me” to exist equally along side the “we”. 

While the future is unwritten, I am increasingly optimistic about our life together. The idea of a future with him warms my soul and I eagerly await it. The idea of him not being in my life is painful to even mention.

Fate forbid, even if we don’t make it, I realize now I love him like I have loved no other. He has shown me that what I truly want is not only possible but attainable. And no matter how things progress, I will always love and be grateful to him for that.

Stay tuned and wish m luck!