n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.
The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate. Go with it.
Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life. The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one. Several other past and present events have come into play as well. I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.
I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about. Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return. The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child. Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me. I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return. I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement.
I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc. I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them. I’ll admit this will be hard for me. It is my nature to give of myself.
TFA is a good example as I’ve blogged about him often. One of the biggest problems in the end of our roller coaster ride of a relationship was I felt neglected. He got unlimited and unconditional support from me and sopped it up like a sponge. However, I got very little. It wasn’t intentional but it isn’t about intent. His problems were so great they eclipsed my needs. The real problem was I didn’t see it until the end. [2]By end, I mean our official relationship. We still see other from time to time and remain friends.
I’m not planning to stop being the person I am. I just need to remember that I need the type of emotional investment I often give others returned in kind. Oh sure, it sounds easy. I’m also looking at some of the wasteful energies I give off and re-examining my priorities. I’ll save you this boredom for another post.
I’m afraid that I may be a bit of a naysayer here….and I hope you will keep on being my friend….but when I read: “I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return”…I must pause…. one who expects nothing in return is truly the one giving from himself, from his heart, unconditionally. I totally understand having expectations for the way we allow/or don’t allow others to treat us….and I’m way down for all of that. But PLEASE don’t stop being a giver…the world needs them…the people around you need them. I mean, I have a hard time seeing why I would personally stop being who I am strictly because I’ll get nothing in return. At that point, I’m really not being true to me…to my nature….to what I believe in. And it’s not quite this clear cut, I know. I just know that “keeping score” isn’t pretty. Keep on being the very best YOU that you know how to be. That’s the Moby that people love and appreciate and respect.
Moby, I’m pretty much the same way. Eventually I’d like some one to do something nice to me, and when it happens I am always surprised.
Perhaps you should stop being so giving to others all the time, and focus on one person. You have once professed to be against monogamy, and that my friend may be the root of your problem. Where you see yourself as selfless, others may see you as selfishly serving the needs of many others… making them just a number. Just think about it.
Lewis ~ I don’t plan on giving up on being who I am. I just meant the people I keep in my life should be the ones who would do the same for me.
Brett ~ You are giving me advice on monogamy? That is rich coming from you Mr. *giggle* Don’t make me spill. Aaaaaanyway, I wasn’t referring to a partner or even find a partner. I used TFA as an example only because I blog about him a lot here.
I thought that was RICH coming from me, but I went ahead and sent it anyway. LOL I don’t know… you never appear to be very needy to me. You always act like you have your shit together and you are doing just fine. Maybe you should communicate your needs better?
Brett~ LOL I’ll take that as a compliment. hehehe Yes, communication is part of it. Thanks rascal.
Some of us are givers and some are takers. We givers find takers and takers find us. It can be a lifelong pattern.
I’ve found myself in similar situations. A one-way friendship can hurt. Plus, it doesn’t honor the great guy you are. I have to remember not to take it personally and let go (sometimes easier said than done). Anyway, it sounds like you’re on to something good here and I wish you the best.
Be strong. I know your heart will steer you in the right direction. Some people will always need you more than you need them, but you are there for a reason. We all need a little love in our lives. Are you ready? Do you think you will be able to feel worthy? I know I have a hard time receiving. (Head out of the gutter!) To be able to accept it is a transition in itself! *hugs* as always!
Moby, it’s great to realize something about yourself. It’s like a fork in the road of your life. It gives you the chance to either continue on your previous path, or go down a new road. After all, it’s all a journey down the road of life.
Enjoy the new path. *big hug*