Just when I think I’ve learned all I can about myself, life throws me yet another curve ball. There is so much irony in this post it borders on hilarity.
I opened a can of worms tonight. Unlike my professional behavior, I have absolutely no patience when it comes to my heart. I ran into my soon-to-be-single friend again tonight at Starbucks. 1 He sits down and I was dead set on keeping it casual. His ex hasn’t moved out yet and I’m determined not to be a rebound. Ha! So much for that. We start talking and before I knew it, I was asking him what happened between us. I mean, I knew the first time was my fault. I wasn’t ready and I pushed him away. I readily admit that. It is not something I’m particularly proud of but it was my M.O. for quite awhile. Never intentionally but that doesn’t make it ok. Out of my own insecurities, I used to come on rather strong when I met someone new. However, once the newness wore off and I actually got to know the guy underneath, I would get bored and move on. Not very nice to the other person who thinks my strong signals mean more than they did. I’ve realized that about myself. The twist here is with M I didn’t get bored. It scared me and I ran. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this and I don’t like admitting it but, I hate fear as an emotion. Growing up in constant fear of my step-mother gave me that.2
What I didn’t know was the second time was sorta my fault as well. Turns out, he was more than a little hurt after the first time (unsurprisingly) and was afraid to get too close to me again. So, he pushed me away before I could do it to him a second time. The thing about me and attraction, I like to know the guy I’m into is into me. Unbeknownst to him of course, I was ready the second time and his lack of conviction hurt me. Tit for tat? Possibly but I doubt it. M is probably the only person I’ve ever broken things off with and regretted it aftewards. It didn’t help that right after our second split he met his new guy.3
Learning all of this brought me to tears. Not a gully washer but I did get a little teary-eyed. Here is the part where the preverbal can “gets opened”. He teared up as well. I knew, at that moment, he still cared for me. I pushed and I pushed hard. I couldn’t help myself. I apologized for the pain I caused him. I also told him I wanted him to have some space but when he is ready, I want to try again. I meant it too. I can’t say where it will lead but I’m ready this time. I think he is too.
The last great irony here? I don’t think it would have worked between us if I hadn’t had the fall out w/Drew. He shared w/me he also didn’t think it would have worked had he not met his soon-to-be ex.
My head and my heart are all a jumble at the moment.
2 Irony 2, this had a big influence on my pursuit of Drew when we met 3 months later.
3 Irony 3, even though he didn’t say it, I had the distinct impression, our failed second attempt pushed him to pursue the new guy as hard as he did. Are you laughing yet?
“Out of my own insecurities, I used to come on rather strong when I met someone new. However, once the newness wore off and I actually got to know the guy underneath, I would get bored and move on.”
Oh, no …
That sounds very familiar.
I do believe some things happen for a reason. I also believe we should try to learn from our relationships and other events in our life. There is usually something, however small or miniscule, positive that happens from seemingly bad events. It looks like your previous attempts were meant to happen the way they did so you both would be at the same level in relationships at the same time. I’m happy for you amazed at how insightful you dare to be. It takes a lot of guts to look honestly at your own faults and make them into a realization and then work to correct them. Most people never try or don’t bother. Good for you Moby! It’s an exciting road you are approaching. I look forward to hearing about your relationship with M.
There are a lot of guys out there who want to be chased. Once they are “caught”, and someone falls for them, they are no longer interested in that person. They just like the feeling of being chased and the validation that someone finds them incredibly sexy and hot. I know A LOT of guys like this. In the end, that person runs the chance of being labeled “a player” and they start to develope a reputation for being a “one trick pony”. Then they wonder why no one ever takes them seriously or even wants to consider dating them.
I’m so glad you opened the can. Those times in our lives are the things that really make us lay awake at night…thinking, feeling, loving, being scared and nervous. I just say….good for you. You seem like such a great guy, Moby….enjoy the ride, my friend. Take it for what is IS….not what it IS NOT. Just at face value. No hidden agendas or expectations. I’ll be thinking about you.
Wishing you the best with that situation, whichever way it ends up. Been there myself.
Good luck, Moby. I’ll have my fingers crossed. You know what they say, third time’s the charm!
Congrats. I’m proud of you. I see you didn’t follow my advice. At all.
Just kidding. Actually, opening up can be okay. And your limgering feelings mixed with his lingering feelings are a great thing. But don’t forget time and space. He still has to deal with his lingering feelings for the now-gone guy. That hasn’t changed. Proceed. Cautiously. The chase can be slow and still be a hunt.