*Another long winded internalized view ahead and probably the 2nd most significant post you’ll ever read here. Oh yeah, it’s THAT good.*
I am such a fraking odd bird. I get insight into myself from the oddest things. The other day, I’m watching a commercial on Logo1 for car sales of all things. Being obviously written w/gays in mind the female speaker was making a statement. What she said was so profound [to me] I dropped the remote and just sat down on the sofa in amazement. She was making a short blurb about coming out, etc and then finished with,
. . . fear is what makes us weak but a sense of self and a sense of belonging gives us our strength.
You could have knocked me over with a feather! This paid actress for a stupid car commercial had just summed up the entire struggle of my existence in a few short words!
The fear I’ve known about and have been dealing with for some time now. As illustrated in my previous rather raw post. I’m proud to say the fear is losing though. Yet with all that’s come before in my journey to be a better person, I still overlooked something. I’ve never had a sense of belonging! Hell, I didn’t even know I needed it. Even as a kid it was missing. After my foster mom died, I never really felt like a part of my own family. After leaving home at 14, it was remarkably easy to break my family ties and move on2. Even my being gay didn’t help me to see it. I think I’ve mentioned before how I don’t really ‘fit’ into any particular ‘scene’. I always seem to be on the outskirts of all of them. What I did learn was to support myself. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and even pat myself on the back if need be. I always chalked it up to my own natural resilience.
To my credit, I did finally manage to realize my lack of self. Anyone crazy enough to still be reading me after all this time knows it’s been a hell of a struggle these last 5 years. And I am proud to say I am succeeding on that front too. But, I’ve spent so much effort trying to develop that sense of self, I never even considered I needed a sense of belonging.
I don’t know how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. And my poor id. It has been working overtime trying to show it to me. The unexplained bouts of sadness, the oddly reoccuring need to date, it all makes complete sense now. My life overall is pretty good at the moment. Oh sure, I could be richer, have more muscle or whatever but I’m talking about the important stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated not being able to explain why I still get down at times.
Well, I get it now. I owe it all to a stupid car commercial on the gayest network on television.
2 A broken jaw and two broken ribs will do that to ya.
that’s a very interesting self observaton. I wonder how many of us gay men also feel that disconnect? I know I’ve never felt accepted or comfortable in any group or clique. i’m a loner, whether I like it or not. (I don’t, really)
I remember going to lazybear in guerneville once and walking down the street and feeling like a complete ghost, totally invisible and cut off. I think it’s more common than not, considering that in this culture, we have been continually been told by the larger straight community that we are different and wrong and don’t belong. Anyone agree with me? can anyone hear me?
are you now obligated to by said car?
I must have started reading you too late…because you always seemed so together to me. Maybe it’s just that relative to me you are. I understand that sense of not belonging. I just haven’t quite figured out what it stems from.
Moby…while I have never seen the phrase you cited until now, I have always realized fear was ever human’s weakness…it can dictate so much of our life and push us down from progressing. I have always thought that I needed to understand my self and feel comforrtable with who I am. While I have understood the need to have a sense of belonging and purpose, for me, this has been my biggest struggle. I have always knocked myself down, feeling lesser that others, feeling a need to prove my worth. Fortunately, some of that is changing. I think my journey to having a sense of belonging will be completed once I establish MY PURPOSE for being here.
Yours will come. hugs!
I can honestly say I’ve never felt like I truly fit in anywhere. With my coming out recently, I was hoping to find that place where I would fit in, but it still eludes me. I know it will take sometime, and I’m hopeful.
I too always see you as someone that is “together”, as well as other bloggers that I read. Perhaps that is how we all fit it, as those who feel they don’t. 🙂
I suppose we all want to fit in with the “in group”. Sometimes the question is, is it worth it? I say yes, only if the group accepts you completely as you are. Otherwise, what’s the point? Just shine, Moby. You’re one of the special ones. Don’t forget that.
Curtis – point well taken and thanks for the support. However, I’m referring to a sense of belonging in general not being part of the in -crowd. Most often I don’t relate to people of the in-crowd in anything. I’ve been popular before. It’s over rated.
There is still so much unsaid about this post that I’m working thru in my head. It is a profound realization for me and will require more work on my part.