Ok, I’ve gotten a bit behind on my old journal posts. I plead for your mercy. I’ve been a very busy boy. This entry is significantly later on as I got distracted (yeah there’s a surprise) from my journaling.
In this enty, I find myself back in Houston and very happy about it at the time. I’d struggled very hard to make enough money to move as well as buy a car. Probably not the smartest move but it was very symbolic for me. A friend who managed the local bathouse gave me a job working the counter and catering the bbq’s on weekends. My thoughts were still very chaotic and my goals pretty much non-existent. I think I was still hoping for something to just fall it in my lap and make it all better. And while I was still missing the bigger picture, every time I sat down to journal a few more things would come into focus. All was not lost. . .
4.19.98
Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this thing. I haven’t been keeping up like wanted but here I am again making the effort. I have come to a decision. I have no self-control when it comes to choosing what I want to do vs what I need/should be doing. That is something I need to work on a lot!
I’m back in Houston! I am so happy to be back. Even though I’m not working yet, I am still glad to be home. I’ve so missed all of my friends. However, as I feared, I’ve fallen back into alot of my old habits again. I’m trying though. I think I’ve made some very important realizations about myself. Now, I just need to work on the changes. I’ve started studing HTML alot. I need to study even harder if I want to learn it thoroughly. I’m getting concepts down right now and then I want to work on actual application next. I need to have a focus to help increase my self-control. I have no control sometimes when I should. I will work on it.
Alot has happened since I last wrote here. I made the move. I am back working at the club until I go back to work. I’m really not happy about the fact that I’m back here [at the club] but I need the extra money. Most of the employees live day to day with no plans for the future. Can’t say as I blame’em. In my condition, what future is there for me? But, I shouldn’t think like that. Negative is bad. I offer them advice but it usually falls on deaf ears. I really haven’t put a lot into working looking for work until lately. I am so ready to go back to work at a real job. I haven’t had much luck and am rather depressed over it. I am putting more effort. I need to quit spending so much time at the club. I also spend way too much time on the comptuer w/o accomplishing anything. Again, the self-control issue. Oh fuck it. I give up for now.
I’m supposed to meet someone from the internet today for lunch. He seems nice, he could make a good friend. We shall see.
I bought a new car which I love very much. [A 1998 Mitsubishi Eclipse] Probably not my smartest move but it represents so much to me. I’ve never been able to afford anything new and this shows I’m not a loser like my dead-beat family. I’m pretty damn smart too. I hope I don’t have to let it go back to the dealer. I haven’t been late or missed any payments and I hope it doesn’t come to that. I’ve worked very hard to get ahead in the last few months and this shows it. My parents might have wasted thier lives but I’m certainly not going to waste mine. I’m just so proud of the fact that I bought it all by myself. Me with a new car. Boy, I never would have imagined it.
*I’v edited this part as it deals w/someone whom I’m still close too. She does not wish me to list it as she is a very private person.*
My lunch date is already 15 minutes late. I am assuming he is a no show. Oh well, such is life. AT least now I have time to write in my journal and reflect some more on my life.
I need to ask Damion if I can stay with him if I’m not working by the end of the month. I am pretty sure he will let me however, if he says no, I’m not going to have many options. Only time will tell and I refuse to let it upset me. **talk about denial…yikes!**
I went to visit my mothers grave after I got back. I’ve been a couple of times since. I want to develop a routine and go see her on a more regular basis. I so wish she hadn’t died while I was so young. I’m ashamed at times because I have a hard time remembering her. She has been dead longer than I knew her and I miss her smile in my life. I often wonder how different my life would have been had she lived. I certainly wouldn’t have had Satan in drag for a step-mother. But, I also wouldn’t hae my little brother either. Sometimes, I think of her alot and others I barely think of her at all. I feel like such a bad son for not remebering her more.
As I sit here, I am going over in my mind the things that I need to work on to help improve my life. I am striving to better myself and am optimistic still. I just need to keep up with my journal and keep my goals fresh in my mind. Being a free-spirited Aquarian does have it’s disadvantages too I guess. *again w/the denial..boy was I a mess*
Goals to work on
1. self-control
2. priorities
3 meditation
4.
[end journal]
My list above seems very lofty but I hadn’t yet reached the thought of how exactly I was going to work on these goals. You can also see I had a knack for rationalizing away my irresponsible behavior. I guess everyone is like that but I just didn’t see it at the time. The next few entries coming up are the very shallow and completely mundane. I think I’ll condense them for brevity.
Interesting hjow our mind tries to rationalize and justify things that aren’t always or necessarily right for us. I have to admit though, it does appear you were doing your best to work on improving yourself or at least constantly giving it thought.
you’ll learn how many of these obsessions recede with age.
the guilt over your mother’s death.
your self-control.
you concern over your future.
what’s important is who you are now. now, from what i’ve read, you seem to be on a path to healing.
“…path to healing.”
I could agree w/that. I think in a large part that assessment is true.