Last Word

*I’m a bit long winded today so you might want to skip down for the more random stuff.*

I got a delivery from my friend ex-friend last night. I had bought him a nice coat for his birthday before our last falling out. I guess he thought returning it would hurt my feelings. I gave the jacket to the first homeless guy I saw on the street. He also left a note w/it. I didn’t bother to read it. It went into the shredder unopened. Why, you ask? Because, I know him much better than he knows himself. Or more astutely, I see him objectively. I can almost recite what was in it. (ticking off the fingers)

• Some reference to a recent wrong I inflicted on him in compensation for the reason I was angry w/him.
• Complete denial that he is in anyway wrong.
• Along w/that would come some analogy of how horrible a person I am.
• What a horrible friend I’ve been. Yeah, that sounds about right. (I keep asking if I am such a horrible friend why does he keep trying? I never got an answer. Is it because I’m the only friend he has? Yeah, the truth can be painful.)
• And littered thru the accusations would be hateful mean comments only meant to hurt my feelings. Comments about things only friends know.

That about sums it up. The last two times we had this sort of falling out (oh yeah, there have been many over the years) it was the same. Whether thru emails, hand-written notes, phone messages, etc. Of course, every time I forgave him he’d end up admitting I was right. Until the next time, then we start all over again.

Knowing him the way I do, it takes the sting out of the words. It’s just an attempt to hurt me the way he thinks I hurt him. And rather than engage in the back and worth battle of hurtful speech, I often choose to avoid all contact. Call it a survival mechanism if you will. I just don’t wanna do it anymore.

But therein lies the heart of my rant today. I can’t help but see a distinct pattern between my break-up w/the ex and my fight w/my friend. In both instances, I believe I contributed to the problem by enabling them to continue their destructive behaviors. Seeing the reason behind the actions, I try to be understanding and accepting. Am I being too forgiving? I mean where should I draw the line?

Physical violence? Had that w/both of them.
Lack of concern or indifference to my needs? Check.
Hateful mean comments? Had that too.

Now, I’m left asking myself why this keeps happening to me. When do you stop forgiving someone? How many times must you go thru the same thing before enough is enough? Should I be more selfish? Should I just be a hateful evil bitch like so many others around me? Should I just scrape off any concern for anyone beyond myself? Should I just avoid my problems and immerse myself in a world of drugs and tricks?

Or should I look at this as a final chapter in the beginnings of my life? The last tie to a persona almost dead and gone. I’ll be 35 years old in just 24 short days. I’ve grown a lot in those 35 years. I still have a lot to go though. I can still be incredibly insecure at times. That insecurity tells me I’m not done maturing. I have to move beyond it if I’m to realize my potential.

Getting back to my ex friend, I know this isn’t over for him. He’ll stew in his juices for awhile. When I don’t respond, he’ll find some other way to make contact. I asked him not to read my blog anymore but I know he probably does. But here’s where I get selfish. No more. The struggle has to end sometime and it’s now.