*Todays post is a bit personal and meant more for me than you, my readers.*
I swear I need prosaic or something. Yesterday, everything was right as rain w/the world and today I’m in a funk. It could be I have been keeping myself distracted lately. Today, with nothing planned and nothing occupying my time, I’ve run out of distractions. I’m not depressed but something is nagging at me. This week has been relaxing to say the least so that can’t be it. Or maybe it is. Mabye not being rushed to get shit done or work, issues that have been pushed aside are beginning to surface. Yeah, I think that’s it. Someone call Dr. Phil and tell’em he is out of a job! Work has been blessfully busy. (I can’t believe I just said that!) And being busy keeps me preoccupied.
And the bitchin part is that I don’t think it’s just one thing. I mean if it were, I’d be able to pin it down. I am a little annoyed w/myself. Here it is July (mid year) and I’ve only accomplished one of my resolutions for the year so far. (I was supposed to have 3 or 4 done by now.) I often bitch to people that you have to lead your life and not let it lead you. And what am I doing. . . letting my life lead me. Add to that lately, I’ve had a strong desire to start dating again. Something is majorly up w/my id. (I say this because I only get this way when I’m obsessing or insecure about something.)
Other than work, there are not many big problems w/life at the moment. Of course, a drama free life doesn’t automatically equate happiness I suppose. So here I sit asking myself ‘whats up?’ Is it lonliness, bitterness, resentment, vulnerability? I don’t really feel any one thing profoundly. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. Not enough to keep me down. But maybe it is all colliding together and building up. Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I alone? Certainly not. Bitterness? I honestly don’t know. Resentment? Yes, a little. As hard as I try the old feelings of uselessness still surface sometimes. The feeling 0f being cast aside like yesterdays garbage. Vulnerable? I think insecure better sums it up.
Now that I think about it, I think meeting Bud sort of set me off. Bud is the guy I met from Tribe this past week. I found myself very attracted to him and I think he felt the same way. I ran into Tim one day while he was here and he said I was ‘glowing’. And it’s true. I do ‘glow’ a bit when I’m excited about someone. I’m digressing a bit here, back to the story. Of course, knowing anything beyond casual friendship was out of the question, I think I felt rejected (again). And the silly part is I KNOW it wasn’t that at all. I was never his enough to be rejected. It was a chance encounter that turned out great is all. But my head and heart aren’t always on the same page it seems. So I guess, maybe meeting Bud pushed everything else into motion. (And on a side note, I admitted a crush to a guy I like from the gym. No clue yet where that might lead if anywhere.)
I think another issue might be I’m tired. Tired of always trying to validate people around me w/o getting any myself. Is that selfish? I don’t know. By validate I mean uplift, support, help, etc. I just know I always seem to be the one foregoing any sort of validation for myself for the sake of others. I don’t resent it usually as it comes naturally to me. I enjoy helping others. But lately, I think I’m feeling left out. (Again, w/the abandonment issues. Lord! Someone call Oprah.)
So now I have to ask myself, what do I do to fix it? I’m never one to bitch w/o a solution usually. Where do I go from here? For once, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what to do next. I need to do something as I’m sure these feelings will fester otherwise. *sigh* Maybe I need therapy. I think my insurance will cover it. Blogging normally helps me see things more clearly. Seeing it clearly isn’t always enough I guess. I say that now but maybe I’ll get an epiphany again!
*So afterwards, I reread this and it sounds so depressing. I’m not really depressed. I don’t think it’s gotten that far. Maybe a better description would be – I’m dissatisfied w/my life at the moment. I think that better reflects the way I’m feeling. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck to do!*
“SNAP OUT OF IT”…welcome to the world of life…your ok…tomorrow is a new day…live it…love will find you…if it is right it will happen…calm down…love you…been reading your blog for a couple of months…your great…relax…
Hey there. Really enjoy readng your blog and felt the need to add my two cents today.
My suggestion is to do whatever it takes to get out of this funk. I could have written this six months ago, and still haven’t solved my problems. It slowly came to the point where I don’t do any of the things I used to find enjoyable anymore, and have all but given up. (I guess this is what would be classified as depression). I have the same issue with always doing for others, and while I also don’t do it for anything in return, I gradually became bitter that it seemed that I wasn’t getting the same appreciation back. Sorry I don’t have a answer, other than it’s probably easier to deal with feelings like this earlier rather than later.
This post was rather difficult to read, cause believe it or not, I’m in a very similar situation. Letting Life lead me, unsure of why my funk comes so strongly (and by funk i’m not talking the good kind). I too have met a gentleman that I’m rather enamoured of and feel strange about persuing.
Maybe its the sun, the stars, and the moon conspiring against us. Maybe its loneliness, maybe its frustration, maybe its just being tired of fighting to keep my head above the water. At any rate, I feel ya sister annd I got ya back if ya need it.
Not sure if you guys are Capricorns as well, but my week really sucked too. I have a wonderful life on paper but am still unhappy and bored with it all.
Hang in there. Let’s hope this week goes better!
Thanks guys very much for the support. And I’m not as bad as it sounds. I was just brainstorming trying to pull it into my conscious mind so I can work it out.
It did help me to focus a bit more and prioritize some things I’ve been putting off. I’ll write more later when things start rolling.
Ahhh welcome to the wonderful, funky, screwed up world of infatuation and possibly even love.. hehehe.. Kinda sucks at times doesn’t it? =)
As far as being dissatisfied with life goes… I think we all go through that now and again, and maybe that just means that it’s time to change something in our lives to add a new dimension to it or to spice it up a bit. Now don’t go crazy, but a little change is good ;).