Today was my first venture out per say since getting sick. I decided to hop over to the Eagle for some socializing. Not bad. Ran into some friends but didn’t see the ones I had originally planned to.
So while I’m there, I happen to bump into a guy who I have been a bit “biblical” with. He promptly gives me a quick wink and then proceeds to avoid me the rest of the time. I tend to find this type of behavior amusing now however, it used to bother me a lot. Having matured a bit, I no longer assume something is wrong w/me. While this exchange is occurring, I hear my group discussing a rather worn out topic. “Where are all the good men?” So this got got me to thinking. (brains and liquor…hmmm?) How many times have I heard this? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard guys go on an on about how there are “no good men” left in the dating pool.
As it turns out, I run into an old bf (no, not THE ex). M and I dated very briefly. He got annoyed that I wasn’t able to offer more at the time and stopped calling. So years later, we are friends again. Back to the story. We decide to have dinner tonight and he rants/raves about how he has given up on dating. I caught myself counting, waiting for the catch phrase. I swear, I counted in my head. 1…2….3…wait for it….4….5…BAM! “There are just not any good men around anymore!” There it was. I laughed and continued the conversation not feeling the need to go on about it.
What is a “good man”? The older I get the more I am of the belief that a successful relationship is not based on how much you love someone but on how much you are able to put up w/him. Wait, before you think I’m just being bitter, let me clarify. The success of an LTR I think depends on how you treat each other in the bad times. The good times are easy and require no control on your part. On the other hand, in the bad times we tend to show our base selves. It is at this critical moment that I think determines how successful a LTR will be.
Had I applied this train of thought to my previous relationship, I might have saved myself the heartbreak. I routinely make myself out to be a martyr as far as my ex is concerned. And while he did do a lot of things wrong, I have come to realize that I had a part to play as well. I enabled him to continue the cycle by over rationalizing his actions. This discovery tends to knock the wind out of my sails of self-righteousness a bit.
Here I go rambling again. (focus, focus, focus) IMO, we are usually the same “men” that we complain about. Blame it on society, gay culture, being sex-obsessed, whatever. Nine times out of ten, we bitch about meeting quality men but never do anything to make ourselves a “quality man”. And I’m not talking about muscles or good looks. Muscles you can get but, if you aren’t building the inside no matter how good the outside gets you’re still left w/the same old you on the inside. So as not to sound like a hypocrite, I’m pretty sure I fall into this category as well at times.
My advice to anyone who whines about not being able to find a good guy. Are you someone the guy you want would want in return? If no, then I suggest you become the qualities you seek. And don’t confuse the issue here, I’m not referring to muscles. I’m refering to the inner qualities. As my best friend is fond of saying, “Your looks will get you in the door but, it is your character that will keep you there.”
Strong words to live by.
Very true indeed.
I remember thinking the same way. Always complaining about never meeting the “right” guy, or a “good” guy, etc. I think I was looking for Mr. Perfect. Took me a while to realize that he’s not out there. Relationships are work. Hard work. I had a lot to change in myself, before I was ready to meet someone.
It’s hard for “the right guy” to make a move when you’re whining about not finding “the right guy”.
There are plenty of “good” men out there. Since I believe that who you are in the inside and what you can share with your potential partner is what will make a relationship, I have spent more than his fair share of time working on the inside. But– I’m the problem is that when we’re standing around the bar– we’re judging “good” guys from what the guy looks like. We want him to look like a Colt model and have a big dick and fuck our brains out– or have a killer bubble butt. But once in a while, the guys who are skinny (but oh-so masculine) are “good” men too. The skinny guys might not jump out at you and make your dick immediately hard– but give them time. Since skinny boys too have big dicks and tight bubble butts for fucking. So be adventurous and look more to the depth of the person (than just what they may look like) and you will be surprised that there are a lot of “good” men out there (but we just aren’t your typical “Colt” model). Peace and love!