**I tell ya sometimes the truth is far funnier than fiction ever could be. I don’t think I could make up stuff this good if I tried. **
I’m hard on my family at times and yes they can be a bunch of rednecks but after getting a copy of this email today, I think they deserve a little slack.
A brief history lesson first. For those 10 or so loyal readers out there, you know from my previous rant that there was a certain Aunt I was hoping to not run into on my trip home. Well said Aunt took it upon herself to email my cousin to forward along a letter to my brother. Below is a copy in all its bountiful ignorance or “ignunce” as I like to call it. I edited out the names/places for privacy. Below the email is my brother’s response given to my cousin to send back. Said cousin took it upon himself to cc me a copy.
Dear (my brother):
I am sorry to hear about (my fathers name) death. Im sure he is better off now that he is in Gods company. He loved you boys and Im sure he tried his hardest to understand you all. Im sure with his death you boys will probably want to move away from there and sell the place. I dont blame you, its probably hard going without him.
We will not be able to attend the funeral as we are currently house hunting. You know after the last storm the roof on the trailer just didnt make it. That old trailer has been taking hits for the last 5 years and this last storm just pushed it over the edge.
Will (moby) be coming to the funeral? Lord only knows how your dad put up w/his nonsense what with him living in sin and all. I mean he even moved over to that San Fransisco, the devils very den of sexual deveants. How your dad could ever put up w/such is beyond me. I sure hope he wont be bringing any of his friends along and causing a spectacle and all. Id keep an eye on him if I were you [if] he does come. Id hate for any of those impressionable young children to be left alone around him. My preacher was telling us just the other day how the homesexuals are constantly trying to convert young childen over to there cause. Lord take me if any of my children should every choose such a dispecable lifestyle. (Her Husband) keeps a firm hand on our children and we never let them stay with anyone with questionable values if you catch my meaning.
Anyway, listen to me going on and all, I just get so distracted at times. I guess its the Christian in me. I just go off sometimes when I start thinking about those poor sinners. Well, I hope you all are doing ok, please give us a call or an emale if you need anything. God Bless your Soul.
Aunt (her name)
You’d think having email capabilities she could at least spell check the shit before she sent it. I left the errors in for that extra ‘ummph’ of feeling.
And here is my brother’s response
.
It was nice of you to show so much concern for my dad’s death. I particularly like the part where you wrote two small lines about dad but felt the need to ramble on endlessly about (moby)s being gay. I also liked the flimsy excuse about not coming to the funeral considering its being held 4 miles from your place in (hometown). Im sure dad would have been ok with his oldest living sister not coming to his funeral because she was too busy condemning anyone who doesnt fit in her narrow vision of the world.
As for (moby), you can breathe a sigh of relief as he will not be there. He came down already and made his piece with dad. Id sooner leave my kids with (moby) than leave them with your hateful bunch. And I suggest you look to your own flock of fuckups before you start throwing stones at us.
And please do me the favor of keeping you holier than thou attitude to yourself. And dont you worry about the land, we wont be selling it anytime soon. Since dad is gone now you obviously wont have any reason to darken our door ever again seeing is how we are just a bunch of no account heathens given over to the devil.
(my brother)
The irony of this email is my Aunt was never a very “christian” woman. My brothers might be a bit fucked up but I’ve never been so proud of them.