Finale

I’ve decided to close and archive the blog.

It’s past time I think. I’m not really using it and more often than not I feel like I’m disappointing the folks who keep up with my madness.

It’s been a good run. The blog started as a continuation of my private offline journals to be a better man. It has helped me in countless ways. And I would not be the man I am today had I not struggled thru it. It’s seen me thru growth, drama, scandals, personal revelations, and a lot of random nonsense.

One might say it’s a victim of my success. Most of the reasons I started the blog don’t exist anymore. I’ve conquered many of my inner demons. I fell in (healthy) love with a man that makes me wanna be better than I am. So I find myself not really having much to say here  anymore. I also promised myself I’d never turn the blog into a bitch fest about politics

Most days I’m just going thru the motions to post. Not to mention social media is a toxic cesspool these days. I’ve pulled back from almost all of it. FB/IG are just placeholders. I’ll never go back to twitter as long as it’s owned by a literal Nazi. Tiktok is my only outlet for just time killing scrolls when I need a distraction.

I’ve never had a desire to be famous and the idea of trying to be an “influencer” makes me nauseous. I’m sure I could share wisdom as an elder gay, but I just don’t have the motivation…for now. Who knows, maybe I’ll come back. I could also start a new one. The future isn’t written and I’m still kicking, so we shall see.

When I started, I never dreamed I’d end up getting 10,000 clicks a month (in my early years). During the Brentwood scandal I got 6k clicks in a single week. 😂  Today that is small potatoes in the age of viral commentary, but back then it was a big deal. People from all over the world read my madness. It was an amazing experience.

I do plan to keep the photo blog open for a bit longer. It’s on the .com version of my site.

To the roughly 100 of you who still check in, read the RSS, or send emails, I thank you for all your interest and support over these past two decades. It’s meant a lot to me. I can’t express how grateful I am.

In the coming week the blog will transition to read only. Existing comments will remain but commenting, registering, etc will all go dark. I do plan to keep it alive though. Domain fees aren’t a burden so keeping it online isn’t a problem. I’ll likely migrate it back over to blogger to avoid the yearly hosting fees at some point. For now it will just go quiet but still be available to read.

So, I say to you it has been my great honor to be part of your lives and share mine with you all.

As always, hope springs eternal…

OLTR

Yet another example social media doesn’t really help us as a society… You’d think we would be past this now, but oh no, social media has only exacerbated it IMO.

I’m surfing the Tok the other day and I stubmle across a post from a guy I follow who goes on this long diatribe wishing he could leave the gay community because of the “scene”. I delve a litte further and he is really just ranting about his hatred for open relationships (OLTR). I’m quite sure it was posted during Pride month to sell a narrative. He goes on to spell out all the woes of OLTR’s on gay culture. The real kicker was his attempt to blame said LTRs for his own single status. [1]Me thinks the lady doth protest too much! Don’t even get me started on the comments. Btw, I will not link to him as people lately seem to have this incessant need to go harass someone who doesn’t agree with them on a given topic. I don’t do that, instead I come here and bitch about it in my own space. He also blocked me because I made a simple comment disagreeing… *Putting on shocked face* Gasp!

I’m not here to sell the advantanges of being open or closed. For myself, your opinion doesn’t affect me. I don’t need anyone else’s belief or support to live my life the way I choose. I’m 13 years in, legally married, and very much love my husband. We are open because it works for us. Anyone eles’s commentary on the legitimacy of my relationship is just that..theirs. :-; That said, spending your time constantly judging others must get exhausting.

No one is responsible for your happiness except you. Full stop. Trying to blame guys looking for OLTRs, or more astutely blaming guys in OLTRs for being online “looking” is a just projection. But let us pretend for a moment this is a legit argument. Would you rather a guy pretend he wants monogamy, get into an LTR and then just lies and cheats, sometimes repeatedly? Or would you rather a smaller pool of available men who seek that particular trait in others? I personally prefer honesty.

If monogamy is the ultimate deal-breaker for you that is perfectly fine, but blaming others is just a deflection. If it’s truly the be all end all, then it shouldn’t sting when you find that great guy but he doesn’t want monogamy. Instead, look at it knowing you dodged a bullet. He was never going to be the right one, no matter all his other charatersitics. Accepting that also means accepting it may be very well be a deal-breaker for others on the other side of the argument. No amount of blame will ever change that.

As I’m fond of saying more recently, ‘we get one spin on this rock, build a life and relationships based on what makes you happy.’

References

References
↑1 Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!

Broken Again

Just when I think the shit falling apart on my body is at an end….

Was diagnosed with an umbilical hernia this week. Yay for me, another surgery in my future.

Well, most likely. Thankfully, it’s not too severe yet and I’m seeing the specialist late this month. From what I know, this type of thing doesn’t go away on its own.

In the past decade I’ve had two nasal surgeries, an eye surgery, two back procedures, and a prostate surgery. But hey, what’s one more right?

I’m gonna start asking for bionic parts if this keeps up. That, or start a lottery on which body part will break next.

Y’all keep me in your tots and pears. Y’all know how much I believe in that. Better yet send me nudes or lotto tickets!

COVID

Remember when COVID vaccines were supposed to be killing everyone? Remember when they were supposed to be full of microchips so the government could track you? Remember when they also said the microchips could sync up with “5G” and turn you into zombies?

Funny how people seem to have magically and conveniently forgotten all that.

Make you wonder…

Shopping

We’ve been on a bit of a necessary shopping spree lately.

The hubby bought us a car. It’s a 2023 Chevy Bolt EUV. Of course he got a blue one because I love blue. He actually did months of research and lots of back and forth. He got a great deal on it and we love it. So far we only have a few small nitpicks on design issues. Overall, it’s been a good buy.

Our new Blue

It was a convenience buy, but now that we have it we are fast switching to depending on it. Yeah we got along ok without it, but it’s turning out to be more than worth it. Going out of the country aka across the bridge, is so much more convenient now! 😂

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Our new couch arrives this coming weekend. [1]Lawd it was pricey  I hate our current sectional. It served its purpose and we got what we paid for. We just clearly didn’t know what we needed when we bought it. We definitely know what we want this time around.  I’ve hated it since about the second month we got it. We are donating it to Habit for Humanity as it’s still in decent condition.

Not our apt, this is a mock up

As much as I like our new car, I cannot wait for the new couch. It met all of our bullet points and we didn’t have to compromise on a single bullet point to make it fit. The runner-up couch was our first choice for a while, but we ended up having to make too many sacrifices to make it fit. It was just designed to be a large couch. This one is already about a foot longer than we wanted, but it’s perfect for our needs. It’s dog friendly as well of course.

I’m irritated with myself that we waited so long. I spend most of my time at home on the couch. Why put up with it for so long? It’s called pro..cras..ti..nation! 😆

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Next on the list is a new mattress. I got one about two years ago now and boy did I botch it up. 😂 I got so fixated on getting a good deal I did not get what I really needed. This time around I’m singularly focused on comfort. Of course, it couldn’t be easy. We’re both side sleepers, but I also need firm back support for obvious reasons. Sleeping on a firm mattress as a side sleeper leads to shoulder pain. Apparently, I’m having to branch out into what’s called zoned support mattresses. Of course, they are more expensive. Of course!

I haven’t settled on a choice yet. I’m doing more research this time. The top contender so far is the Saata Classic version. If you have first hand knowledge of this brand let me know. Helix is rated well but I’ve seen several bad reviews from side sleepers.

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We’ve been putting it off our various buys for months and months. We budget for an item and then end up “getting distracted,” or at least I do. I’m a civil servant so I definitely budget for new buys. All the mandatory overtime had certainly helped. For whatever reason we finally got off our asses and got it done.

After these big buys, I think we’re done for a while. At least I hope we are.

References

References
↑1 Lawd it was pricey

FB

So, with a heavy heart, I announce I’m back on Facebook. Ugh. 

To say I’m disappointed would be putting it mildly. There are still too many folks that use it as a primary social engine and it’s a good way to stay in touch; not that I’ll be suddenly be using it daily again. Those days are long gone. However, since I keep posting big events and getting tons of replies and interaction, it seems a bit selfish not to at least engage a bit more. 

I had hoped more people would ditch it for Bluesky but many just reverted back or never left. Of course, I barely use Bluesky as well, so I can’t really bitch about it. Basically, I’m being petulant. Lol 

I’m trying to embrace social media a little more in general again. It’s often an intellectual and emotional drain, so no promises on consistency….

Ablation 2

Hawt.. right?!

Well, I had my 2nd ablation on my back this week. After almost 3 years, it was past time. The daily pain and discomfort were too much to manage. Everyone seemed surprised I went this long. Apparently, the procedure usually only lasts a year or two at most. 

I guess I was probably past due and stubborn. I don’t like going to hospitals. I spent a big chunk of my early life, including my very first year alive, in one. I try to avoid it when I can. I’ve learned not to be too stubborn though. Anyway, I did everything I could to manage it. We changed mattresses (again), I did yoga style and decompression exercises and exercises to strengthen it when I could in the gym. It all worked to varying degrees for awhile, but it got to the point where I just couldn’t sleep w/o sleep inducing muscle relaxers. They did a great job managing my sleep but it began creeping more into my comfort zones during the day. Needless to say, it was time. 

So far, I’m feeling better than after the first one. The old nerves didn’t grow back but they couldn’t “cut them all” I guess. Lol  So this time around they dissolved a whole new batch of pain nerves. I woke up the day after with zero pain in my back for the first time in at least 5 years. It was wonderful. I’m not sure how long this will last, but I’m so going to enjoy it as long as I can. Last time, it helped tremendously but I still routinely had pain to varying degrees. The biggest benefit from the last procedure was no more back spasms. I was so grateful then to be free of the spasms, I didn’t even think twice about the success of the procedure. This time around I’m actually in no pain so far. Realistically, I don’t expect that to last. As the situation continues, I’m sure other nerves will become reactive to compensate for the muscles being continuously aggravated by the spinal bones grinding together.

The doc did say I’m likely to be back sooner for the inflammation part of the equation. This procedure primarily deals with the nerves causing pain in the muscles. Occasionally, the disc itself gets inflamed and causes its own issues and pain. I can usually manage it with over the counter meds, but I’ll probably be back in a year (or less) for a steroid injection to create more lasting relief from inflammation. Time will tell. One thing I am hoping for this time is more time strengthening the muscles. Previously, even light exercises would make the whole area flare up and stay aggravated for days. There were very few days where I could get an actual workout in for the lower back muscles.

For now, I’m so grateful to be relatively pain free. I say relative because I can still feel things “aren’t right” in the area. Every so often, I twist or move a certain way and I can feel things ajar, so to speak. No pain for the time being and I’ll take it! 

Hope springs eternal! 

55

Here I am at 55 years. Who da thunk it? 55?!  There are days where I feel old and then there are days when I completely feel disconnected from my age. How’s that for a kick in the pants?

Thanks to all of those who reached out via various methods to  wish me a happy birthday. I appreciate the well-wishes.

Mentally, I have probably never felt my age. I always seem to be about 10 years behind. Lol Ironically, the hubby is 10 years my junior. I’ve often wondered if our connection is part of my “young” feeling. I grew up very isolated from the outside world so I’ve always felt behind in the growth dept. Ironically, having dealt with a lot of my personal demons, there are plenty of times where I feel like the only adult in the room. It’s a weird juxtaposition. Physically, I feel my age. I’ve had multiple age related issues in the last 5 or so years. The eye, the nose, the back, the prostrate, etc. The back being the most invasive so far. I’m headed back or a 2nd nerve ablation on the muscles in my back in early February. I hate it because it makes me feel old and I don’t like that.

Anyway, my 55th year has arrived. The hubby made it special, as always. He knew exactly what to get me. It helps that I blab a lot about my own procrastinations. We had a nice relaxing day. We did a mani/pedi, dinner, and then my gifts. If you come here often, you’ll know I’m not big on birthdays. It was just never overly important in my family. The hubby always does something nice for me and appreciate him. As someone who tends to be a caregiver by nature, it’s nice to feel cared for at times.

Of course, as I age in the gay world, I do notice my age more often. Being 55 in gay years is practically ancient. Lol Joking aside, it is an issue. Ageism is a big issue for our community. Many older gay men feel invisible or ignored. While I personally don’t mind aging, it does sting at times when I get shunned or ignored simply due to age. I could try to “relive” my childhood like so many but that is exhausting and expensive. Frankly, I’m too lazy for that. Hehehe  I may encounter the occasional sting of ageism but I’m also adult enough to know I can’t remain in the young and pretty category forever. Age comes to us all. I can accept it, with its limitations, or I can be bitter. The latter again takes too much effort. Lol

I’m grateful for the health I do have. I hope to find some relief of the back issues come February. Regardless, I have another year under my belt. I never actually thought I’d even see 50, so I’m glad for another year above groune. Hehehe

Hope springs eternal…